


After

by The_Forgotten_Nobody



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Christine is the best, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Rich is too pure, boys being stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23316898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Forgotten_Nobody/pseuds/The_Forgotten_Nobody
Summary: Jeremy’s good mood manages to last until he gets home, and he messages Michael to ask if he wants to play something online.'Sorry dude got Rich over and I don’t want to make him just watch'Knowing that not only is Jeremy grounded, but Michael can’t play video games with him because he has Rich over, makes the ugly green monster he’d experienced at lunch rear its head again. Clearly, they’d bonded way more than Jeremy had first thought. Clearly, he didn’t need Jeremy as much anymore.'That’s cool.' Jeremy texts back.He’s lying.-What happens after Jeremy is released from hospital.
Relationships: (Eventual), Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Comments: 52
Kudos: 198





	1. Loser, Geek...or not?

**Author's Note:**

> A part of me had wanted to waited until I'd written everything to start posting. That part died when this monster turned into 11 chapters worth of stuff instead of the 3 I'd intended. So, updates should be about every 2 weeks or so but I cannot promise to stick to an actual schedule. 
> 
> This was born from when I went to see Be More Chill at the other palace. So many of the little details inspired me to create a 'what happens next?' fic. I hope you enjoy it :)

“ _Jeremy...Jeremy, it’s not over. I’m not done with you just yet. We need to finish what we started. We’re connected, Jeremy...forever…_ ”

“Gah!”

Jeremy shoots upwards, his back ramrod straight, his eyes wide with terror. His breaths come in short, hard pants and the sound of his blood pumping roars in his ears. His palms, which hold onto his bedsheets like a lifeline, aren’t the only thing sweating.

“It’s not real,” Jeremy murmurs to himself, his voice shaky and uncertain. “You’re not real. You’re gone.”

He waits for a reply that never comes. It can’t, because the Squip is gone for good, but no matter how many times he tells himself that, it doesn’t stop the dreams. It doesn’t stop the flash of fear he feels when he looks in the mirror, every time he makes a mistake.

His clock tells him it’s only 3 am, but Jeremy isn’t sure he’ll be able to get back to sleep. He hasn’t managed a good, full night’s sleep since he got released from the hospital a couple of days ago, where a bunch of hella nice drugs had been the only thing keeping him, and the voices, asleep. He’d hoped it would all accumulate to a point where he _was_ finally tired enough to sleep through at least one night, especially with school starting again the next day, but he should’ve known that would be too much to hope for.

After propping his pillows up against the headboard, Jeremy settles against them and picks up his phone. Opening it takes him to the last message he’d sent Michael - a gif of a baby crying, ‘when you have to go to school’ written over it. As pathetic as it sounds, Jeremy really does feel like he could cry.

His thumbs hover over the keyboard. Michael has a habit of waking up for ‘midnight/anytime of the night because hunger waits for no hour’ snacks so there’s a chance Jeremy might catch him awake. Even just a couple of meaningless messages might be enough to make him feel like he’s not dangling off a precipice. Like everything’s normal.

A few moments of agonising indecision later, Jeremy ends up putting the phone back down. He can’t do it. If he did, regardless of whether Michael happened to be awake or not, he’d want to know why Jeremy was up. He could lie, but Michael had become even more astute at calling his bullshit lately. He’d know something was wrong, he’d get worried, and after everything Jeremy has put him through these past few months, he can’t add to that. He might’ve apologised in the hospital, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. Maybe saving him from the knowledge of Jeremy’s freaky, phantom voices was a start.

With his phone down, all distractions are gone and Jeremy squeezes his eyes shut and tries to think of anything but the Squip. He thinks about seeing Michael tomorrow, greeting him on what’s going to be the first regular school day he’s had in a while. He imagines what it’s going to be like seeing Christine again, since the last time they spoke she’d said she’d like it if they ‘hung out’ some more. He even pictures his maths classroom, making sure to include all the details, right down to the scratch marks on the ceiling. He tries coming up with scenarios as to how they might have got there.

“ _I can give you everything you ever wanted, Jeremy. You just need to trust me._ ”

Jeremy’s body spasms, his body feeling like it’s falling, and it violently rips him away from the clutches of sleep. Hypnic jerk, Michael had once told him it was called when it happened during a sleepover, and jerk was right. Once again, Jeremy’s forced to try and calm his erratic breathing and when he’s finally successful he accepts that, yeah, sleep just isn’t going to happen. He gets out of bed, switches on the light, and once his eyes have adjusted to the sudden brightness, he shuffles over to his desk and switches on his laptop. May as well play some video games to kill the time.

* * *

Jeremy’s alarm starts to blare at 7 am, and it’s with dry eyes and cramping hands that he shuts down his laptop and moves with stiff limbs to make the noise stop. He’s never been much of a coffee drinker, he doesn’t need caffeine making him even more of a jittery nut, but he might need to make an exception today. He heads into the bathroom, splashes water on his face, and studies the dark circles beneath his eyes.

So much for trying to keep Michael from worrying.

Calling them a lost cause, Jeremy finishes getting himself ready for the day. He intends to just grab some toast on his way out and walk to school, but when he gets into the hallway, the smell of bacon greets him. He finds his dad in the kitchen in front of a sizzling frying pan, scrambling some eggs.

He’s not convinced he’s not just hallucinating. He doesn’t know what’s more shocking, the home-cooked breakfast, or the fact his dad is wearing pants unprompted.

“Morning son! Breakfast is nearly done. No need to worry about catching the bus, I’ll drive you in.”

“Uh, are you feeling okay?” Jeremy asks. He pinches himself and nope, not a dream.

Toast pops out of the toaster and his dad places them on a couple of plates. “Mind buttering these for me, Jer?”

Jeremy walks almost on autopilot to the fridge as his dad continues to speak. “I’m feeling good. Better than good. Seeing you in hospital, kiddo, knowing that I was to blame for that, it gave me a kick up the ol’ backside. It made me wanna do better, so I’m changing things up. Starting with bacon and eggs! Here ya go.”

His dad serves up the rest of the food onto the freshly buttered toast and urges Jeremy to sit down. 

“Dad...you don’t have to,” Jeremy says, guilt swirling in his stomach despite the fact this what he’s wanted ever since mom left.

“It’s something I need to do. That I _want_ to do. Now, eat up! You look like you haven’t slept a wink.”

“Just couldn’t fall asleep, I guess,” Jeremy deflects. He watches his dad squirt ketchup on everything and copies him once he’s done. He doesn’t feel all that hungry, but he also doesn’t want to let his dad’s efforts go to waste, so he takes small bites. His dad keeps up a light conversation as they eat, and once they’ve finished both plates go in the sink and his dad picks up the car keys.

“Remember, straight home after school,” his dad orders as they pull up to school. “You’re still grounded for two weeks.”

“I know, dad.” He’d been on the cusp of sleep in the hospital when he’d overheard his dad consulting Michael about how long his grounding should be. Michael had been pushing for a month, the jerk.

“Have a good day!” His dad calls from the car, and Jeremy gives him a wave as he pulls away. He then grabs the straps of his backpack, takes a deep breath, and turns toward the school. It looks the same as it always has, but Jeremy can’t help but feel like a freshman again, about to start his first day. It’s the uncertainty of where he stands, the not knowing of what’s going to happen. It makes his skin prickle uncomfortably and he hurries inside, hoping that seeing Michael by the lockers will make the feeling go away.

Except, Michael isn’t there.

Jeremy checks his phone and there aren't any messages either. He gets his books out of his locker and then hangs around awkwardly. Some kids glance at him as they pass by. Probably wondering where the cool, confident guy has gone. Or maybe wondering what the guy who fainted in front of everyone in the school play was doing there staring creepily at the wall.

He considers just leaving when suddenly brown hair fills his vision. He knows it isn’t Michael immediately from the height difference, but the smell of peaches is also a good giveaway. The flutter of disappointment fades when Christine smiles up at him, taking a step back so there’s a more appropriate level of space between them.

“Hey, Jeremy!” Christine chirps, and suddenly, blood is rushing right up to Jeremy’s face. He’d run through scenarios of seeing Christine last night, but all of them had taken place later in the day, under his control. None of them had involved him being half-dead on his feet, drowning under the judgemental stares of his classmates.

“Uh, Christine! Hi! How are you?”

“I’m good! Excited to be back after, you know, everything. I mean, I’m still pretty bummed about the school play getting ruined, but since Mr. Reyes’ been fired, I’m hoping we might actually get a competent teacher. Someone who really _appreciates_ theatre, you know?”

“Wait.” Jeremy blinks. “Mr. Reyes got fired?”

“Well, yeah. Turns out doing drugs with a bunch of students doesn’t make the school board too happy,” Christine says dryly. “Anyway, in the hospital, I mentioned that we should hang out so well...do you want to, sometime?”

“Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’d love to, except um...I’m kinda grounded? For two weeks.” Embarrassment doesn’t even begin to cover what Jeremy’s experiencing.

“That’s okay! Maybe we could do something during lunch one day? I’ll think about stuff we could do. Oh, I should be getting to homeroom now, see you later!”

“Bye.”

Christine runs off and the bell rings shortly after. There’s still no sign of Michael, so he heads off to homeroom alone.

* * *

Since he and Michael don't share that many classes, Jeremy doesn’t see his best friend all morning. Hoping nothing’s wrong, Jeremy heads to their usual table at lunch. It’s at the back of the cafeteria, shared with some of the other ‘losers’ in different grades. It has a lot of questionable stains on and surrounding it, and there’s the faint smell of rotting food, but it’s out of the way, and that makes it a haven.

Jeremy is the first one there, but thankfully, it doesn’t take long for him to hear the muffled beats of an electro-reggae track. He lifts his head and nearly sinks in relief at the sight of Michael and those chunky headphones. So relieved is he, that he nearly misses that Michael isn’t actually alone.

“Hey, Jeremy! Sorry I didn’t catch you this morning. Ended up picking up Rich on my way in and I got lost on the way. Is it cool if he eats with us? Dude’s a nerd now so needs to sit at the nerd table.”

“Hi!” Rich grins, his outfit way more elderly professor than Jeremy’s used to, but still bearing the Deadpool belt.

“Uh, hey.” Jeremy watches as Michael pulls out not only his own lunch but Rich’s too from his backpack. Makes sense since the guy is wearing two slings but...the guy is wearing two slings. “Are you sure you should be in school? With the, uh,” Jeremy waggles his elbows, a half-hearted attempt at the chicken dance.

“The docs weren’t sure but Michael here said he’d help me out. I ended up missing a lot of classes thanks to the Squip, it told me it would give me all the info I needed, so with it gone, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

Jeremy debates asking then and there if Rich has also heard the Squip since they all got deactivated, but with Michael there, he quickly decides against it.

“So, what, you’re like his arms buddy now?” Jeremy asks Michael.

“Just call me Mother Theresa,” Michael grins, throwing an arm around Rich that makes something spike painfully in Jeremy’s stomach. This was his and Michael’s table. This was their time together. Jealousy wasn’t a new emotion for Jeremy, but he never thought he’d have to experience it with Michael.

“Michael’s been really helpful. Opening doors for me, carrying my stuff,” Rich says, a look in his eyes that reminds Jeremy of when he discovered Rich in the hospital. When he’d asked if Michael was single. It shouldn’t annoy him that Rich clearly has a thing for Michael, that Michael’s just being a nice guy in helping out, but it does.

He blames it on the lack of sleep.

“You’ve never opened any doors for me,” Jeremy teases, trying to make this new dynamic work best he can, and Michael shrugs lazily, retracting his arm from Rich’s shoulders.

“Didn’t want to offend your big macho man sensibilities,” he says, before fluttering his eyelashes and adding, “but if you’re feeling left out then, _of course,_ I’ll treat you right, Jer-bear. Would you like me to start by feeding you those grapes?”

“Shut up,” Jeremy laughs, swatting Michael’s grabby hand away. Michael is grinning, and sure, Rich is there, but he’s feeling good. He’s feeling _normal_ for the first time all day and-

Shadows descend over them and the three of silence, then look up.

It’s Brooke, Jake, Chloe, Jenna, and even Christine, standing awkwardly behind them.

“So, this is like, where you guys sit?” Chloe asks, her nose wrinkling. “It’s whatever. You guys need to sit with us.” She pauses briefly. “And you too, Michael, I guess.”

“Uh, thanks?” Michael says, at the same time Jeremy says, “Us, why?”

“It’s like, this weird feeling. Ever since we all did drugs together, it’s like we’re bonded. We have this...this connection,” Jake says earnestly.

“Which means you’re part of the group. So, you need to sit with us, kay?” Chloe says, or rather, demands.

“They won’t take no for an answer,” Christine pipes up, her eyes connecting with Jeremy’s. She offers him a small smile that Jeremy can’t help but return.

“I’m down for that!” Rich says. He stands, looks at his lunch sat at the table, and then his slings. “Um...Michael…”

“I got it, bro. I guess we’re gonna live the high life now, huh?” Disbelief colours his tone, and Jeremy empathises. He’d thought that the others would just go back to ignoring them. To hear them say he’s still a part of the popular crowd, even without the Squip...Jeremy doesn’t know what to make of that. Doesn’t want to think too closely about it, either.

“So, what’s up with you, dude?” Jake asks Rich after they’ve sat down at their new, far more central, table. “Ever since you burnt down my house you’ve been different. Nerdier. Which, you know,” he adds, looking at Michael and Jeremy, “isn’t, uh, bad or anything.”

“Yeah, sorry again about your house,” Rich says, his face turning red. “I was just on, um, a ton of drugs. Have been for a while. Burning down made me realise I needed to get clean, you know?”

Jake nods solemnly. “I get you, bro. And we’re still cool.” He holds out a first, then quickly drops it when Rich just waves his slings around uselessly.

“Ugh, Jake, you’re so kind,” Chloe gushes, sliding closer so that she can place a perfectly manicured hand on his arm. “Like, super kind.” She pouts her lips a little, tilting her head, and Jake gives her a relaxed smile and shrugs.

“I’m just me.”

Jenna, who’s sitting beside Jeremy, leans towards him and hisses, “Chloe is totally trying to get Jake back. My bet is they’re together by next week.”

“Oh, that’s…interesting?” He glances at Christine, who’s sat opposite and has definitely heard what Jenna just told him. She looks like she’s trying to hold back laughter and that’s a good sign, isn’t it? If this bothered her, she’d look more upset, right?

Lunch passes in a very weird fashion, with the two halves of the table who would normally have very different conversations trying to find some common ground. They do find out that both Christine and Brooke go to the same shops in the same mall, albeit looking in different sections, and it’s discovered that Michael and Jenna have an undying love for reggae music By the end of it, Jeremy feels wrung out from all the social interaction, but hopeful that he might just make it to the end of high school less than a loser than he started out as.

As they break away for their respective classes, Christine asks Jeremy if he can talk for a minute. He ends up waving at Michael, who’s in his next class, to go on ahead and the smile Michael leaves with goes a bit strange for a reason Jeremy can’t decipher. He’s probably just trying to get used to the fact that the girl Jeremy has been crushing on for years is actually talking to him.

Jeremy knows he’s still getting used to it.

“So, I’ve done some thinking, like I said I would, and I thought, what if we had a lunch date sorta thing? Maybe a picnic? We could both bring food and drinks and just hang together. The rehearsal room is going to be empty now the play’s done, so we could go in there? You can say no if you don’t want to, if it sounds lame, but I think it could be fun. Do you want to?”

It takes Jeremy a moment to pick out the key bits of information. “A lunch date? Just the two of us?” At Christine’s nod, he says, “That sounds great! Uh, when?”

“Wednesday?”

“This Wednesday?” Jeremy can’t stop his voice squeaking.

“Is that okay?”

A date. He has a date. This Wednesday. “It’s fine! Great,” he repeats and Christine lights up.

“See you there, then! Well, I’ll probably see you tomorrow since, well, we’ve kind of become popular now, but you know what I mean. Wednesday!”

“Wednesday,” Jeremy echoes but he’s already watching Christine skip away. His heart skips a beat, and he smiles.

Take that, Squip.

* * *

Jeremy’s good mood manages to last until he gets home, and he messages Michael to ask if he wants to play something online.

**Sorry dude got Rich over and I don’t want to make him just watch**

Knowing that not only is Jeremy grounded, but Michael can’t play video games with him because he has Rich over, makes the ugly green monster he’d experienced at lunch rear its head again. Clearly, they’d bonded way more than Jeremy had first thought. Clearly, he didn’t need Jeremy as much anymore.

 **That’s cool.** Jeremy texts back.

He’s lying.


	2. Don't Freak Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments on the first chapter! They made me want to get this out as early as I could :D

“ _Without me, you’re weak, Jeremy. You won’t be able to make it without me. You can get me back, though. You and I can be together once more. I’ll make you stronger. I can get you everything you’ve ever wanted. I can get you-_ ”

For the second night in a row, Jeremy plays video games instead of sleeping.

* * *

“You sure you’re doing okay, bud? You’re looking even worse than yesterday.” His dad slides a plate of pancakes in front of him. In his attempt to decorate them with smiley faces, something his mom used to do when he was in elementary school, his dad has left them on the pan too long, but they’re covered in maple syrup and with crispy bacon on top. That’s a combo not even Jeremy’s lead-filled stomach can refuse. 

“I’m fine, dad. I think it’s just, like, a phase or something. I’m going to try not looking at my phone for a while before bed,” he lies, because just like with Michael, Jeremy doesn’t want his dad worrying over him anymore. 

“Good idea, son. You kids are too attached to your phones and your video games. Back in my day-”

“You’re not that old dad,” Jeremy cuts in before his dad can go off on a tangent about all the things he definitely _didn’t_ do as a kid, but thinks will impress Jeremy or something.

“Wow, could you make that sound like any less like a compliment? Anyways, you sure you don’t want me to drive you to school today?”

“Nah, I’m good.I’m gonna walk with Michael.” He’d ended up texting Michael, asking, when his alarm should have gone off. He’d been feeling pretty stupid at how jealous he’d got over Michael hanging out with Rich, and figured that that walking into school together, just the two of them, would help sort that out. Thankfully, he’d managed to get in before Michael’d agreed to pick up Rich again

“Good. I’ve missed seeing you two hang out. He’s a real good kid.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jeremy looks down at his plate and uses his fork to draw lines in the leftover syrup. He then abruptly jumps up from the table and haphazardly places his plate in the sink. “I’d better go if I want to meet him on time. Uh, have a good day.”

“You too, kiddo. I’ll see you this evening. And remember…”

Jeremy sighs loudly. “I’m grounded, I know. See you.”

“Bye, Jeremy. I love you.”

“Um, you too.” 

This new thing with his dad is weird, but Jeremy has to admit, it’s a good kind of weird. 

* * *

“Wow, dude, you look like ass,” Michael says in greeting, closing the gate to his house behind him. “What’s up?” 

“Uh, just ended up playing video games for too long.” Despite the fact it’s not really a lie, Jeremy wants to change the subject. Thankfully, he knows just what to change it to. “So, me and Christine, we’re going to go on a date. Sort of?” 

Michael skids to a halt, holding Jeremy back with him with a hand on his shoulder. “A sort of date! Jeremy, that’s amazing! Aw, my boy’s growing up.” He sniffs dramatically and wipes a fake tear away from his eye. “I knew this day would come...but not this soon…,” he takes a shuddering breath. “Tell. Me. Everything.” 

“We’re gonna bring food and have a picnic in the Rehearsal Room. Tomorrow.” Jeremy can’t help the smile on his face. 

“Tomorrow? Dude, you slid in there quick! My boy really is becoming a man! Soooo…what are you going to bring to this picnic?” Michael slings an arm around Jeremy’s shoulder and Jeremy leans down a little to accommodate. 

“Uh,” his mind goes temporarily blank. “I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Once again, Michael stops in his tracks, flinging his arms upwards in exasperation and almost knocking Jeremy over in the process. “Jeremy! What do you mean you haven’t thought about it!” 

“I don’t know!” Jeremy replies, flustered. “I mean, I guess I’ll just pick up something from the store on my way in...or see what’s in the kitchen…”

Michael shakes his head in disappointment. “I thought I taught you better than this.”  
  
“You haven’t taught me anything. And keep walking, or we’re gonna be late.”

“Fine, fine. But c’mon bro, everyone knows the first rule of dating is to make it a _good_ date.” 

“Okay, one, that rule is really vague and totally made up and two, this is rich coming from the guy who’s own experience is limited to a middle school summer camp kiss.” 

“And what a kiss it was,” Michael says dreamily and Jeremy rolls his eyes. He suddenly realises he has a way to ask a question that had been preying on his mind all night. 

“Speaking of Rich...how’d you two get so close anyways.” 

“I see what you’re doing,” Michael says, waggling a finger, “But I’ll allow it. If you really wanna know, we just ended up talking a bunch while you were having your beauty sleep.”

“About what?” Jeremy asks, trying for nonchalant and failing miserably. 

“I dunno. Video games. Movies. All kinds of stuff, really. Like I said, he’s cool now he doesn’t have a Squip. Which is pretty ironic when you think about it. Also, his home life’s not great and ma’s a nurse so she can check up on him.”

“So, he’s just going over yours so your mum can look at his arms?” 

Michael directs a sly grin his way. “Awww, you getting jealous, Jeremy? That’s so cute!” Jeremy swats Michael’s hand away before he can pinch his cheek. He bites the inside of his mouth to avoid saying yes, he _is_ jealous, and he hates himself for it. He also hates Michael a little bit because of it, which makes him hate himself even more. 

Maybe because he wants to prove to himself he’s okay with it, or maybe because he just wants to drive the knife in his chest a little further, Jeremy says, “In the hospital, he asked if you were my boyfriend. Then if you were single.”

Michael stumbles and then pretends it was intentional by doing a little hip-hop move he probably saw on Youtube. “He did?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy says lamely. “I said that you were single,” he adds, for no real reason because it’s not as if he would have lied. Even though a small part of him now wishes he had. Because then Rich might not have taken the chance, might not have started to take him away from Jeremy.

“Huh.” Michael’s eyes cross a little in thought. “Never would’ve pegged Rich as, what, bi?” 

“Yeah, bi. Said the Squip suppressed it or something.” 

“Figures,” Michael snorts. His cheeks then start to pinken and Jeremy realises that maybe, just maybe, it’s not as unrequited as he’d hoped. 

Ugh, why did he have to say anything? Then again, did he not want Michael to be happy? And if Rich made Michael happy, why would he want to come between that? Apart from being a selfish jerk. Looked like the Squip had that right about him. He just wanted what was best for himself, and would use any means to get there…

“Jeremy? Jeremy!” 

“Huh?” 

Jeremy startles, and Michael comes into focus in front of him. His mouth is turned down in an anxious frown.

“You totally zoned out on me there, man. You okay?”

“Uh, I think so.” Jeremy takes stock of himself. He had been lost in thought...but he never saw Michael move. There’s getting distracted, and there’s losing time, and this is feeling worryingly more like the second.

“You weren’t like....talking to anyone, were you?” Michael’s voice is low, his eyes searching Jeremy’s face for...something, something inside. 

“No, no, I wasn’t. I swear. It’s not, it’s not back. I guess I just got really deep in thought or, or something. I’m good, really.”

Michael doesn’t look entirely convinced and this, if anything, is all the proof he needs to know that not telling him about the dreams is the right thing to do. They’d only stress him out and so far, they were just dreams, nightmares, so they weren’t anything to worry about. Right?

“I promise. If it was the Squip, I would tell you,” Jeremy says seriously, not _technically_ lying, and while Michael’s shoulders relax, the worried expression doesn’t completely leave his face. 

“Yeah, well, we both know you’re hopeless without me, so.”

Jeremy snorts, his concern over what just happened beginning to dissipate as Michael’s smile grows. “Uhuh, whatever you need to tell yourself to get to sleep.” 

“It’s true,” Michael says, singing the last note. “Hey, did you see the trailer for Endgame? Gotta say, I’m with Tumblr. Ant-man’s gotta go up Thanos’ ass.” 

They end up discussing the trailer for the remainder of the walk, and for once, Jeremy just enjoys the company of his best friend, all thoughts of the Squip gone from his mind.

* * *

On Tuesdays, he and Michael share a few more classes, and it doesn’t escape Jeremy’s notice the way Michael keeps him in the corner of his eye, checking over him when he thinks Jeremy won’t realise. The attention would feel pretty nice if it weren’t for the cause, and for the fact that he often does it with Rich glued to his side. 

They’d ended up meeting Rich as soon as they got to school, the other boy hanging outside the entrance because he literally can do next to nothing without help, and now that he’s lost his fear-inspiring demeanor, he can’t even get a wet-nosed freshman to open a door for him. 

“Hey, Michael! Jeremy,” he’d added, as an afterthought. Because that’s all he was now, wasn’t he? Jeremy was the third wheel, and now that Jeremy had told Michael what Rich had said, it was obvious to all of them. 

And it sucked. 

* * *

Jeremy’s on his way to lunch when something shoots out in front of his legs, nearly sending him sprawling on the ground. It’s only the wall that saves him, but his juice carton goes flying. He hops about to regain his balance, looks down to see that the offending item is a crutch, then looks back up to find Jake standing opposite him, looking entirely unapologetic. 

“Yo, dude. I just wanted to ask, how’re things going with you and Christine?” 

“And you couldn’t have, I dunno, just called my name?” 

Jake shrugs. “Got your attention, didn’t it? So?” 

Jeremy ends up flattening himself against the wall as a crowd of kids comes storming past. One of them stomps on his juice carton, swears, and he sighs. 

“Why do you wanna know about me and Christine? You’re not, you know…,” The last thing he needs is to end up in a contest with Jake.

“What, into her? Nah, man. I mean, Christine’s a cool girl. Super nice, but me and her...we just don’t vibe that well, you know? But she’s special, and you’re a special dude, so I just figured I should ask if you wanted some help. One bro to another.” 

“Oh.” That was actually sort of sweet? Maybe he was starting to see what had made Christine crush on him in the first place, the real guy behind the jock persona. “Thanks, but I think I’m okay. I’ll, uh, let you know if that changes?” 

“Sure man, sure. But I will give you this advice. If she mentions stuff about a prince, she’s not talking about the singer.” 

Jeremy laughs. “Thanks, I’ll remember that.”

“No problem. Let’s head in. I am hella starving.” 

Bemused, Jeremy follows Jake to what must now be his new table. 

* * *

This time, Jeremy finds himself sitting between Chloe and Brooke, Jenna and Jake opposite, leaving him no room to get involved in the conversation about Red Dawn 2 that’s happening on the other end of the table. Instead, he finds himself learning things about kids in their year he’d only barely known the names of. For example, Emily Picker is already starting her Prom Queen campaign and is trying to get the boy’s votes by promising a ton of them that if she wins, she’ll make him her King and they can go to her parent’s summer house by the lake. And Roland Bark has a concussion because Oliver Dinnon dared him to go down a skating ramp in an old shopping cart with no safety gear on. He claims he flew 10 feet in the air. 

A lot of the gossip comes from Jenna, it’s the stuff she says she’s not allowed to print in the school newspaper. Jeremy never used to pay this sort of gossip much mind, had thought he didn’t care about it, but he can’t deny that there’s a part of him that likes being included in this sort of conversation, likes to know the information despite the fact he isn’t going to do anything with it.

“Also, I heard there’s been some shady business going on around the back of school,” Jenna says, leaning in conspiratorially. Even Michael, Christine and Rich lean in to hear what she’s going to say. Jenna pauses for a moment, basking in the attention. 

“Well, tell us already!” Chloe demands when the silence gets to be too much.

“Okay, so, I saw Kelly Ramer outside talking to this guy, and you know Kelly’s into some weird, obscure shit, and this guy is like, 5 years older than us? Scruffy hair and wearing some massive scarf covering his face. I see him give her something. And then? Next day I see her hanging out with Brent Woods. _Brent Woods._ ”

Brooke gasps, a hand covering her mouth. “Oh my God. Kelly and Brent? He’d normally never be caught dead talking to her!” 

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking! It’s super weird. Almost as weird as Jeremy coming to hang with us! Oh, but don’t worry boo, we like you. And you guys,” Jenna adds to the others. Jeremy would feel flattered if he weren’t on the verge of a panic attack.

A weird girl suddenly hanging out with one of the popular guys, after talking to someone shady? There’s only one explanation for it, isn’t there? Which means it isn’t over. Which means it could happen again. The Squip could come back. Maybe it was never even gone at all…”

“I need the bathroom!” Jeremy yelps, nearly getting tangled in Brooke’s weird cardigan, blanket thing as he violently leaps up from his seat. He runs out of the cafeteria, ignoring the looks he receives from the other students. Even though he’d initially been aiming for the toilets, he comes across a closet with a slightly ajar door and takes the opportunity. He practically dives inside, his heart jackrabbiting against his chest, his brain feeling like it’s going to implode from fear. 

“Just say something if you’re there!” Jeremy cries, his hands gripping his hair tightly. “I don’t even care anymore. Just, I need to know. Talk! Talk, damn it!” 

It doesn’t. It never does. Only when he’s asleep, when he’s at his most vulnerable. Because it knows where weakness is, it knows how to manipulate. It probably knows exactly what it’s doing and is playing some sick game with him.

“Jeremy?”

“Christine?” Her name leaps in a high pitched, high strung voice. 

“Yeah, can I come in?”

The room is barely big enough for him and his long, gangly limbs, let alone the two of them, but Jeremy opens the door anyway. Jeremy never ended up turning the light on, so Christine does it for them as she shuffles inside.

“It’s not the Squip,” is the first thing she says and though Jeremy tries to let out a relieved breath, wants to believe her, it gets caught in his throat. 

“How do you know?” He asks, barely louder than a whisper. 

“Kelly’s in my art class. I know she can be eccentric, but she’s not the kind of person who would take a Squip. That shady guy? It’s her cousin. He was giving her antidepressants. Her parents aren’t into modern medicine, so he offered to get it for her. It is technically kinda illegal, which is why he covers his face. And Brent? He has an anxiety disorder. They ended up talking more after Kelly did a presentation in their Psych class about mental health and are friends now. So, yeah, not the Squip. I promise.”

“How do you know all that?” Jeremy asks in wonder. “Did she tell you?” 

Christine’s cheeks colour. “Not exactly. When I’m quiet, people don’t tend to notice me much. I was in the library, sitting at the table behind her, when I overheard her talking about it. I know it’s rude but I was never going to tell anyone! Well, not unless I had to.”

“Wow.” Jeremy’s pulse is starting to slow, but he still feels a bit light-headed from it all so leans against the cleaning supplies. “You could give Jenna a run for her money.” 

“That’s not my kinda thing. And anyway, with great power comes great responsibility,” Christine says solemnly, before bursting out laughing. Jeremy quickly joins in. 

“Thanks for coming after me,” he says, before feeling a sudden pang that it was Christine, not Michael, who came after him, even after he’d been looking out for Jeremy all day. He can’t deny that she was probably the better person to come, since she had just the right thing to say to him, but...still.

“I saw that look on your face,” she says, bumping his arm with hers. “I couldn’t just let you suffer. I’m just glad you didn’t go to the boy’s bathroom. I went in there once by accident and wow, does it really stink in there!” 

“You’d have come into the boy’s bathroom for me?” Jeremy asks, a small smile on his face, and Christine bites her bottom lip and shrugs. 

“Like I said, with great power comes great responsibility. I just don’t have the luxury of a super suit with a ventilator or whatever.”

“I’m pretty sure that was just Tom Holland’s Spider-Man though. I don’t think Andrew Garfield or Toby Maguire got ventilators, or any super fancy stuff.”

Christine stares at him blankly. “Who?” 

“...Have you ever seen a Spider-Man film? Or read the comics?”

“No,” Christine replies cheerfully. “I just like the quote.”

And that’s how Christine finds herself getting a brief history of the Spider-Man films, and a detailed account of the comics, in the cleaning supply closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider leaving a kudos or comment if you liked it! As always, they are great motivation!


	3. Don't Resist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get out guys. I started (and finished) watching the Witcher, bought the game, and just found my muse directed to that. It still is, if I'm honest, and I am struggling a bit with motivation with this fic now. However, I will strive to keep the chapters coming.

_ He’s in the rehearsal room, except, it’s not the rehearsal room as he knows it. It’s themed like the background of the play, with sunflowers bearing topaz leaves sparkling beneath a chandelier exuding green, radioactive light.  _

_ Sat upon a jade and white checkered blanket, dressed like a cross between a medieval princess and space alien, is Christine.  _

_ “Jeremy!” Her voice, though the tone is warm and inviting, is distorted like it’s coming through one of those megaphones you find in the dollar store. “Come join me!”  _

_ Jeremy does because he’s physically unable to do anything else.  _

_ "Isn’t this just perfect?” She asks, still sounding wrong, as she takes his hand in hers. “The two of us alone together, just like you always wanted.” Her nails start to dig sharply into his palm, but this  _ **_ is  _ ** _ what he’s always wanted, so Jeremy tells himself he should be enjoying this.  _

_ "We’re going to be the perfect couple. Better than Jake and Chloe. Better than Michael and Rich.” _

_ “Huh? Michael and Rich?” That doesn’t sound right, but before he can think too hard about it, Christine replies.  _

_ “Yeah, they’re boyfriends now. But it’s okay because we’re together now. That’s all that matters.”  _

_ “Christine...I…,” he can’t speak. It’s like his vocal cords have just frozen. He tries to take his hand out of Christine’s, but her grip is strong like a statue’s. He’s starting to panic and when he looks up again, Christine is gone, replaced.  _

_ Replaced with Michael. It’s his hand holding Jeremy’s and his expression is sad.  _

_ “ _ **_ He will only bring you down, Jeremy. Don’t you want to upgrade?” _ **

_ Like a TV on the fritz, Michael blurs into Christine, back to Michael, until the two are almost blended in a horror-movie worth Frankenstein body. Like a chant to the beat of echoing, invisible drums, Jeremy hears, “ _ **_ Upgrade Jeremy, upgrade, upgrade now, now…. _ ” ** __

* * *

Jeremy’s dad appears just as the entire contents of the top shelf of the cupboard come tumbling out. He manages to catch a bag of chips but the crackers and goldfish, the items he’d wanted in the first place, go crashing to the floor. A few of the goldfish lie sadly outside their packaging. 

“Aw man,” Jeremy groans as his dad helps him pick up the dropped snacks. 

“Whatcha up to Jeremy?” His dad asks, putting the boxes on the counter. 

“Have we go anything fancy?” Jeremy asks in lieu of answering.

“Just the same stuff we usually have. Why? What do you need?” 

Jeremy debates side-stepping the question again before deciding that if his dad’s trying to do better, Jeremy should too. “It’s Christine. Me and her, we’re gonna have a picnic in the rehearsal room cos, you know, I’m grounded. I figured we’d have stuff lying around here I could bring but…”

“It’s not good enough,” his dad finishes and Jeremy nods glumly. “You know kiddo, I thought this day would never come. Oh, uh, I don’t mean it like that!” He adds, at Jeremy’s glare because seriously, first Michael, now his dad? 

“You know, I remember my first date with your mom.” 

“Yeah?” Jeremy broaches cautiously. His mum is still a sore subject for the two of them. Even when she’d called Jeremy while he was in the hospital, asking if she should fly over, he’d been out of the room. Jeremy doesn't know if it was planned, but he wouldn't be surprised if it was. 

“Yeah. We went to the park. I planned it to be all romantic, even made everything I brought from scratch. And then, well, first she starts sneezing because it was spring and she had hayfever and I’d chosen a spot beneath the most pollen-ridden tree ever. Next, it turns out that tree also had a wasps nest in it, which I disturbed when trying to get ants off the food. Got stung bad, we did.” 

“Uh, is this supposed to be helping me at all?” 

“Hold your horses. The next date, one I was surprised to get since the last one went so bad, was more spontaneous. She said to me, do you wanna skip class and go hang out under the bleachers.”

“Wait. Mom skipped class”? Now that was definitely something she’d never cared to divulge to him. 

“Just the once. She told me years later it was a moment of insanity that made her do it, but I’d never had so much fun. We hid beneath the bleachers and just talked. No fancy planning, no elaborate gestures. Just the two of us, enjoying each others company.”

“So...you’re saying I shouldn’t bring anything?” 

“I’m just saying, don’t overthink it. Don’t go all out when all that girl probably wants to do is eat junk food and get to know you. So, sure, bring something fancy if you know she’ll definitely appreciate it, but also, bring something you  _ want  _ to bring, not something you think you  _ have  _ to bring.”

Jeremy mulls that over and glances at the goldfish. 

“I guess...I don’t really know what she likes.” Jeremy  _ had  _ been trying to be semi-respectful of Christine's privacy despite his gigantic crush, and not watch her constantly like some crazy stalker. 

His dad shrugs. “Well, make an educated guess. Bring a variety. Just show you put some thought into it. You never know, she may end up loving it.”

Jeremy bites his lip. “Maybe. I should probably get going then if I wanna stop by the store.” 

“Need a lift?”

Shaking his head, Jeremy says, “No thanks. I’m okay.” 

To his surprise, his dad draws him into a hug and gives him a heavy clap on the back. “Good luck son, I’m sure you’ll have a great time.” 

Jeremy smiles into his dad’s shoulder and returns the hug. “Thanks, dad.” 

* * *

There’s a convenience store a few blocks away from school that he and Michael have become regulars at over the years. It’s rarely busy in the mornings because there’s one even closer to the school, and admittedly is a heck of a lot cheaper. But Stanley, the owner and cashier, in thanks to their patronage, gives them some pretty sweet discounts sometimes. 

He’s by the soda aisle, debating whether to bring Pepsi or Sprite when it happens. The corner of his eye catches the radioactive sheen of mountain dew and a voice whispers, 

‘ _ That one _ ’

Jeremy’s right arm spasms and he drops the jelly beans he’d been holding. He stares at the packet with unfocused eyes, frozen to the spot, and barely registers the only other customer in the shop, a girl a couple years younger than him, asking him if he’s okay. 

“I’m...I’m fine.” His tongue feels thick in his mouth, words struggling to form. He forces his body to pick up the jelly beans and without looking, snatches a bottle from the shelf. He hightails it away to the counter and just offers a strained smile at Stanley because the cashier's voice is struggling to make it through the ringing in Jeremy’s ears. 

His hand is still shaking when he leaves the store so he shoves it in a pocket. 

* * *

Michael is waiting by their lockers when he gets into school, Rich free despite the fact Michael had picked him up, and Jeremy tries to pretend that everything’s normal. That he didn’t just have a voice, a voice that sounded uncomfortably familiar and controlling, in his mind. 

“Hey Michael,” Jeremy greets with his free hand. His right one is still stuck in his pocket, clenched in a tight fist. 

“Yo, Jeremy! What’s up?” 

“Uh, not much, how was your afternoon?” The words come out a bit more accusatory than he means to. Yeah, he'd never ended up getting even a text from Michael after the whole bailing lunch incident, but he hadn’t wanted Michael to know how much that hurt. 

“Uh, it was okay. Are you alright, Jeremy? Listen, I’m sorry about yesterday, I-”

“It’s fine. I’m…I’m just nervous. About my date. With Christine.” 

Michael lights up and Jeremy narrowly dodges a pinch to his cheek. 

“Aw, this is so exciting! I still can’t believe it.” 

“Ugh, you sound like my dad,” Jeremy complains and a glint enters Michael’s eyes. 

“Oh yeah? What did he have to say about this? Oh man, did he give you a condom?!”

“Dude, be quiet!” Jeremy yelps, trying to ignore the glances from the other students from Michael’s shout. “He didn’t give me a condom,” he hisses. “He just...told me about his first date with my mom.”

“Huh, really? I thought you guys weren’t talking about her.” 

“Yeah, neither did I. It was kinda weird but also...sorta nice and helpful.” 

“Well, that’s good, right?” 

“Yeah.” Jeremy nods. “Hey, so...see you after school?” He hates that he has to ask now, that it’s not just a guaranteed thing. He’s not sure what’s changed and he doesn’t know how to change it back. 

“Hell yeah you will, bro. I wanna know how it goes. Good luuuuck,” Michael sings, booping Jeremy on the nose and leaving him with a grin on his face and a stable hand. 

* * *

Classes pass in a blur for Jeremy, and before he knows it, it’s time for his date with Christine. Contrary to the excitement Jeremy should have been feeling, he’s spent the whole morning trying  _ not  _ to think about it. It’s like, this is the moment he’s been waiting for since he first saw Christine on the second day of school, Freshman Year. She’d been trying to get people to join her own theatre club, where they’d perform a play she’d written in middle school. Jeremy had been too nervous to talk to her then and those nerves are returning now. What if something goes wrong? What if she realises she’s made a huge mistake?

What if he’s just not good enough?

Jeremy’s palms are sweaty as he makes his way to the rehearsal room. He hovers outside for way too long before wiping his hands on his jeans and mustering the courage to open the door. Christine is already inside, sat on a baby blue blanket, opening a Tupperware box of sandwiches, with fresh fruit already laid out on a paper plate next to her.

Jeremy’s own offering suddenly seems painfully inadequate. He doesn’t even know what drink he’s brought. 

“Jeremy, hi!” Christine waves him over. “I made sandwiches. Of course, I wasn’t sure what you liked so instead of asking you instead of ruining the chance for a surprise, I just made a bunch of different ones! I even made one with fish fingers and custard, you know, like that Doctor Who episode? I haven’t tried it yet but it can’t be totally gross, right? Oh, and there’s fruit! I even found dragonfruit!”

“Christine, this is...amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever tried dragonfruit.”

“Well, you can tick that off your bucket list! If you even have one that is. Do you have one? I’m thinking maybe I should write one.”

While rambling is just a part of Christine, one he would never want to change because it’s super endearing, Jeremy is beginning to learn that she does it even more when she’s nervous. To know that she’s maybe as nervous as he is, it actually helps calm him down a little, makes him start to feel like they're on an even footing. 

“That could be fun,” Jeremy says, joining Christine on the blanket. “You could put ‘star in a Broadway show’ on it.”

“Mm, that would actually be pretty far down on the list,” Christine replies thoughtfully. “First, I wanna star in a Shakespeare play.  _ Not  _ one with zombies, or aliens, or anything like that. A true, dramatic, classic.”

“If anyone belongs on the stage, it’s you,” Jeremy says sincerely and Christine flashes him a small smile, pink tinging her cheeks. 

“So, what did you bring,” Christine asks and any ease Jeremy had felt is gone in an instant. 

“Um...I got jelly beans.” Jeremy pulls the packet out, then reaches for the top of the drink. “And uh...this.” He doesn’t even know how this was allowed in the store. The liquid is bright orange and the label on the bottle reads, ‘Calypso - mango carrot lemonade!”

Carrot? In a soda?

“Ohh that looks interesting! And I love jelly beans! When I was younger, I used to get my mom to pick out a handful and I’d eat them all in one go, trying to guess all the different flavours.” 

“That sounds like fun, maybe we should play it now,” Jeremy broaches and Christine’s eyes sparkle. 

“Yes! Okay, you go first, since you’re a virgin.”

Jeremy chokes on his spit and Christine turns beet red. “Oh, uh, not that kind of virgin! Though it’s totally okay if you are and we should respect people’s sexual choices and um, I just meant a, you know, jelly bean virgin. Oh wow, that sounded really weird....”

“It’s fine,” Jeremy says after a few deep, gasping breaths. “You can pick me out some jelly beans.”

“Right, yeah.” Christine busies herself with opening the bag while Jeremy waits for his throat to fully open up. 

They’re midway through Christine’s turn, Jeremy laughing at her face of extreme concentration as she tries to determine if the last flavour is lemon, lemon-lime or popcorn (Jeremy doesn't understand it either) when suddenly, she’s right in front of his face. Her lips are moving, but Jeremy can’t hear anything, until-

“Jeremy? Are you there?”

Jeremy blinks hard, finds his body stiff and unresponsive. “Huh, yeah, I…”

Dread settles at the bottom of his stomach like a frozen pond. “It’s happened again,” he whispers, staring at his hands as he clenches, and unclenches, wooden fingers. 

“What? What’s happened again?” Christine asks urgently. 

“I…,” he doesn’t want to tell her, doesn’t want her to realise how messed up he truly is. 

“It’s okay Jeremy,” Christine says. “You can trust me. And if you don’t want to tell me, I get it-”

“It’s the Squip!” Jeremy blurts out. “I...I think it’s still here, in my head. I have dreams. And just now it’s like...I lose time. And then in the store, I swear I heard it.” 

“It’s okay, breathe, Jeremy.” Christine puts a hand on his arm, and though he flinches, she keeps it there until Jeremy slowly relaxes again. “Tell me everything.” 

He does. He tells her about the dreams, skimming over the last one with her and Michael. He tells her about the times he’s just zoned out and the store. He tells her about the fear he feels, because the Squip is like an invisible monster now, appearing when he least expects it. Christine listens to it all with rapt attention and when he’s done, there’s still some residual panic, but also a growing sense of relief. This isn’t a secret anymore. This isn’t just his. 

“Okay, well, I’m going to need to do some research,” Christine says decidedly. “But honestly, Jeremy, I think you have some kind of PTSD.” 

“But I haven’t been in a war or anything,” Jeremy says, confused. 

“No, but you have been something very traumatic. The Squip...it basically abused you, Jeremy. Your body and your mind. It makes sense that your brain, having had it in it for so long, would struggle with the fact it’s suddenly gone. I mean, maybe there is a chance it’s back,” Jeremy sucks in a sharp breath, “but it most likely isn’t. I felt how angry it was when I drank that mountain dew red, how...scared my Squip was. It wouldn’t feel like that if it knew it would come back. “

“But what if it didn’t know, but it can?” 

“Then we’ll fight it again,” Christine says with determination so fierce, Jeremy can’t help but believe her. 

“I just wish this would stop,” he says quietly and Christine squeezes his arm sympathetically. 

“I know. But I’m here for you. And I’m sure Michael is, too. Maybe you could talk to Rich about this? He had the Squip even longer than you.”

Jeremy can’t exactly explain why the thought of that is so distasteful to her, so he nods. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” He sighs. “I’m sorry I ruined this with my…” he waves his hands around his head and Christine shrugs. 

“I don’t mind. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” 

“Thanks, Christine.” He then not sure what to do, but when he slowly opens his arms, Christine moves forward for the hug. And it’s...nice. Reassuring. 

Jeremy may not be feeling that spark of romance of want at that moment, but he does feel safe, and that’s all he needs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please consider leaving a kudos or comment :)


	4. Everything about you is so terrible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit more Michael in this chapter! :D

“So? How was it? Tell. Me. Everything!” 

“It was…,” Embarrassing? Slightly traumatic? A spontaneous therapy session? “Nice.”

“Nice,” Michael repeats, deadpan. “You go on a date with the girl you’ve been crushing for years on and all you have to say is ‘it was nice?”

“What do you want me to say?” Jeremy whines, heat creeping up his neck.

“I want more than nice! I want to know what you did. Wait, did you kiss her? Oh my God, you kissed her!” 

The heat shoots right up to his forehead. “I didn’t kiss her!”

“No? Well, there’s always next time. C’mon man, we never get to have these kinds of conversations. Talk to me.” 

The problem is, Jeremy doesn’t really want to talk about it with Michael. Not only does he have to omit basically everything that happened so that Michael doesn’t freak out even more, but it’s actually kind of...weird, talking about Christine with him now. Jeremy’s not really sure why. 

“We just...talked, I guess. About stuff. She made all these different kinds of sandwiches. Even fish finger and custard ones. You know, like Doctor Who.” 

“Awww,” Michael coos, before tilting his head in consideration. “Were they any good?”

“Not as bad as you’d expect, but honestly, not great.” 

Michael shrugs. “Makes sense. So, is that all you did? Talk?”

“We hugged too,” Jeremy says, feeling a little defensive. As if he has something to prove.

“Taking it slow. I dig it.”

“Can we please talk about something else?” Jeremy pleads and Michael sighs dramatically. 

“Fine, fine...hey, you wanna play some video games?”

“Online? Sure.”

“No man, I mean at your house!” 

Confused, Jeremy glances over at Michael to check he’s okay. “Uh, I’m grounded, Michael, remember? No friends over.”

Michael’s smile morphs into a smug grin. “I don’t count.”

“What?” 

Breezily, Michael says, “Yeah, according to him, I’m a good influence. So, I don’t count.”

“He didn’t tell me that.” 

“Yeah, because I told him not to! Not gonna lie, I thought you’d be more excited.” A pout starts to form on Michael’s face. 

The surprise wearing off, Jeremy starts to grin. “I am excited! Though, you’re a jerk for not telling me sooner.” He punches Michael lightly on the arm which is swiftly returned.

“Yeah, but I’m your jerk and you love me.” 

Jeremy rolls his eyes, knocking his elbow into Michael’s, and they continue walking, both of them, all the way to his house. 

* * *

They start off with Project Z, their new favourite co-op zombie game. Jeremy hits play and the screen turns black, the title quickly appearing in amorphous, radioactive green text. They select their usual characters; Jeremy a large, bulky man who is  _ not _ modelled off Arnold Schwarzenegger Michael (no matter how much they coincidentally appear to look like each other) and Michael a buff, armoured women with an eyepatch. 

“Remember, the new update added sneak attacks,” Michael warns as the game loads. “And they can be vicious.” 

“Wait, you’ve played it already? Dude!” This was  _ their _ game, and Michael was apparently playing it with someone else?

“I’m sorry, man! Rich doesn’t have these games at home and even though he couldn’t play, he wanted to watch so I ended up playing some online stuff with some randos. Just for a bit.” 

“Oh,” Jeremy’s mood sours and he’s probably a glutton for punishment because he then asks, “So, what else do you two do, considering he can’t do much with his arms. ” 

“Uh, I dunno. Just normal stuff, I guess? Why?” The game finally loads and they’re off running into an abandoned warehouse, where a group of survivors have communicated via radio that they’re trapped. 

“Just wondering,” Jeremy asks, his tone a tad harsh as he immediately gets attacked by a zombie. He lifts his makeshift shield up in time to avoid taking any damage. “You asked me about Christine.” 

“That’s different and you,  _ ah _ , know it,” Michael says, getting double whammied. Jeremy runs over to help once he’s crushed the skull of his own zombie. “But whatever, we just talk, you know? Like I said, he’s a cool dude.” 

Eyes completely focused on the game, Jeremy says, “It’s not all that different. I told you that he likes you.” 

“Yeah, so?” Michael’s tone is beginning to match Jeremy’s and Jeremy, momentarily distracted by it, forgets to watch Michael’s back and a hit lands on his avatar’s shoulder. “Dude!”

“Shit, sorry. All I’m saying is, well, he said he likes you and now you guys are hanging out together all the time.” 

“All the time? You and I are literally hanging out together, just the two of us, now.” Michael mashes buttons furiously, but with no apparent purpose as in-game, all he’s hitting is thin air. A zombie launches at his avatar’s arm, but Jeremy beheads it before it can land a bite. 

“I know,” Jeremy says because obviously he knows that, and this is fun but...something still feels off. Like, even if the Squip is keeping its metaphorical mouth shut right now, he knows if it were here, it would be telling Jeremy that he’s not enough. That not even Michael really wants to hang out with him anymore. “But I mean, it’s pretty clear you two are like, more than just casual acquaintances.”

Michael laughs, but it’s not a friendly sound. “Casual acquaintances? It’s called being friends.”

“Yeah, and are you saying it’s not more than that?” 

Michael pauses the game. 

“It’s barely been a week. But, even if it  _ was  _ more than that, does it even matter? Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, you know. Like, do you even remember the shit you pulled with the Squip? And now you’re trying to rag on me for hanging out with someone who’s not you?”

“That’s not- I just asked a question!” Jeremy argues. “I’m not jealous!” 

“Whatever.” Michael slides off the bed, shoving his shoes back on. “I’m gonna head home.”

“Huh? Michael? Wait!”

Michael doesn’t wait. He picks up his bag and without a glance back, leaves. Jeremy hears the door slam.

_ Everything about you is so terrible.  _

* * *

Jeremy flips between wanting to grovel for Michael’s forgiveness, convincing himself that he has nothing to apologise for since he had just asked a question, and telling himself that this is all for the better, that Michael shouldn’t be around him when he’s still under some kind of influence from the Squip even if Christine’s hypothesis is correct and it  _ is  _ all in his head. His head alone. 

He can’t deny that Michael spending his time with Rich is annoying, frustrating and something he wishes wasn’t a thing, but he also can’t pinpoint the exact reason  _ why  _ he hates it so much. It could just be that he misses having Michael to himself again, but then, when he does have Michael to himself, he still acts like a jerk. It’s like there’s something inside him pushing him to act that way. And whether it is just him, or something of the Squip lingering inside him, he needs to know. And to know, he needs to talk to the one person he knows who had the Squip inside him even longer than Jeremy. 

**Hey, it’s Jeremy**

Rich gave Jeremy his number when they were in the hospital. He’s never had a reason to text Rich, and give his own back, until now. 

**Hi Jeremy! :D**

Maybe another reason for his irrational annoyance is just how...nice Rich is now. Sure, he’s awkward and geeky, but in an endearing way. One that makes you feel like even more like an ass if you don’t like him. 

**I have a heavy Q about the Squip**

Still, no matter his feelings towards the guy, he’s not going to go in without warning him. Jeremy himself can barely stand hearing about references to what  _ might _ be the Squip. He at least owes Rich the choice to stay the hell away from conversations about it. 

Instead of replying by text, Rich rings him. 

“Hey Jer, thought this might be a better conversation to have on the phone. Plus, the voice recognition thing on my phone is pretty janky.”

The flash of annoyance Jeremy felt at the nick-name evaporates, swiftly replaced with guilt. “Oh, yeah man, that’s cool.”

“So, shoot. What’s your question?” 

“Uh…,” This is why Jeremy prefers to text. It’s way easier to carefully plan what you’re going to say. “Have you ever, I mean, do you ever feel like the Squip is still there?” 

“What, like, still in my head, telling me what to do?” 

“Sort of, but just like, do you ever hear it? Or get, like, feelings of what it used to do? Shocks?” 

There’s a beat of silence as Rich considers the question. “I have nightmares sometimes, but I never hear it outside of that. And I kinda have some weird twitches now? But that could have been from the fire, I did inhale a ton of smoke. And my Squip was an older version. Didn’t start shocking me till the end, after it got an upgrade. Why? ...You’re not still hearing it, are you?”

Even with his voice tinny and far away from the phone, there’s no mistaking the fear in Rich’s voice, and it’s that fear that causes Jeremy to lie and say, “No, just nightmares, same as you. I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one.”

“I get it, it was a freaky time. And my Squip was pretty intense. Anytime you wanna talk about it, you can, you know.” 

The offer makes Jeremy feel ten times worse about himself. How can he claim to dislike Rich when he’s saying shit like that?

“Thanks, Rich,” Jeremy says. “That was all I really had to ask.”

“Cool. Hey, can I ask you a question?” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

The momentary silence has Jeremy pushing his phone closer to his ear in case he missed something. “Michael. Has he, um, spoken about me at all? He’s been so nice to me and I just wanna, you know…”

Jeremy’s stomach drops. “Uh, not to me. Sorry Rich, my dad is calling me. Coming dad! Got to go. Bye.” 

He hangs up, feeling like the world’s most awful person. 

Michael being gay has never been an issue for Jeremy, not when 14 year old Michael whispered the words during their second sleepover, and not now. At least he hadn’t thought it’d been an issue. This is the first time someone has properly expressed an interest in his best friend, someone he knows, at least. And he should be showing the same kind of enthusiasm Michael had expressed about Christine for him and Rich. But, he just can’t. He can’t even muster up the slightest bit of happiness. 

Does that mean he’s homophobic? Jeremy doesn’t think so, since he’s never had a problem with Amir and Trent, the couple in the year above them, but maybe that’s just because he doesn’t know them, so it doesn’t really affect him? 

Maybe he just is that terrible of a person, and it’s only thanks to the Squip he’s now realising these sorts of things about himself. 

* * *

Later that evening, Jeremy’s phone vibrates. On his swivelly chair, he skids across the carpet to his bed, where his phone sits. His breath is caught in his throat until he sees that it’s not Michael, but Christine. She’s sent him a link and Jeremy unlocks his phone. It’s a youtube video, and when he clicks on it, he gets taken to a video titled ‘Smile.’ In it, two people stand in the centre of a room, just smiling. The voice-over explains how a smile is meant to be an expression of happiness but when there’s no context, a smile can become something threatening. Proving that correct, Jeremy actually starts getting pretty creeped out. He closes the video and sees the message Christine has written beneath it. 

**Thoughts if we just did this in the middle of school???**

Jeremy actually laughs out loud and quickly texts back,

**We’d need to make it scarier so that no one approaches us**

**Hmm, good point! Creepy doll outfits?**

She sends a picture of some terrifying dolls that are going to give Jeremy a new brand of nightmares for the next month, but he enjoys texting back and forth with her, debating the best way they could get away with doing it. They’d need to freak out people enough that they didn’t want to get near them and shove them in a dumpster or something. It’s not happened to Jeremy before, but that’s just because Jeremy, up until this hypothetical point, has managed to keep a relatively low profile, sudden Squip-induced boost in popularity not included. 

They’ve gotten to ‘stand on a pile of leftover bricks covered with enough goo that makes them impossible to climb’ when Christine says she’s going to go to bed. Jeremy texts bye, and still riding high on endorphins, switches the contact to Michael. Before he can overthink it again, and talk himself out of it, he writes,

**Hey man, I’m sorry for earlier**

It doesn’t take long for a reply to come in. 

**I’m sorry for storming off. Sweet dreams Jer-Bear**

Confident that he hasn’t damaged his relationship with Michael beyond repair, Jeremy goes to bed with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the lovely comments you've been leaving, they really push me to get these chapters out for you :)


	5. Just you and me, intimately

_Once again, he’s with Christine. They’re on another date, but this one’s outside, in the Goldstate Park. Except, it looks more like a forest now, trees surrounding them in all directions. It’s dark, and the sky that Jeremy can make out between the leaves is starless. There isn’t even a hint of the moon. It leaves them in inky blackness and Jeremy struggles to make out Christine’s face in front of him._

_“Why aren’t you looking at me, Jeremy?” Christine asks. “Don’t you care about me?”_

_“Huh? Yes, of course I do!” Jeremy tells Christine, trying his hardest to make out her features, but if anything, it just seems to be getting darker. He reaches out, finds her hand planted on the rough grass, but it feels wrong._

_"No, you don’t, Jeremy!” Christine cries. “You’re not looking at me!”_

_"I’m trying!” Jeremy yells, but his voice sounds barely louder than a whisper._

_He tries moving forward, only to find himself suddenly climbing, climbing up a pile of bricks and slipping on the goo that’s lathered upon it. He knows that Christine is waiting for him at the top, and he attempts to go faster, even though with every step he climbs, it feels like the distance between them gets bigger._

_After what feels like an eternity, Jeremy finally reaches the top layer. It suddenly grows from the size of a single brick it had seemed while climbing to a large platform, a figure standing in the middle._

_“Christine, I’m sorry. I’m here.”_

_“Are you though?” Says a voice, but it’s not Christine’s._

_"Michael?”_

_“You’re just going to leave again. So go, do it.”_

_Jeremy only manages to get a brief glimpse of Michael glaring face before the bricks turn to dust beneath his feet and he’s falling, falling into the darkness and-_

Jeremy wakes frozen. 

For a brief, terrifying moment, there’s absolutely nothing he can do. No matter how he wills his legs to move, for his arms to lift, he doesn’t even move a fraction. 

It doesn’t last too long, soon Jeremy’s muscles are able to move again, albeit stiffly, but the experience is enough to make bile rise up the back of his throat. He doesn’t end up vomiting, but he does rush to his laptop and type in ‘waking up and can’t move’ into google. 

Sleep paralysis is the first search response but even after reading all the articles, understanding that it can happen to anyone for no real reason, it still freaks Jeremy the fuck out. This has never happened to him before, and the website he’s on now says it happens because some bits of the brain are still asleep. What if parts of his brain are _still_ asleep. Are dormant.

Because that’s where the Squip is, trying to bust out. 

“Just breathe, Jeremy,” Jeremy tells himself. He feels clammy, and if he lets himself dissolve into the panic, he’s gonna struggle to get himself out of it again. “It’s fine. This is fine. Everything. Is. Fine.” He ducks his head between his knees, his hands clamped tightly in his hair. 

His immediate urge is to call Michael, to have his best friend’s voice draw him away from the nauseating fear, but he can’t do that. Because he told himself he wouldn’t, and he doesn’t want everything he’s done this far be for nothing. He can’t even call Christine because while, for once it’s not the middle of the night, it’s still 5am. And he can’t go to his dad, because his dad doesn’t even know the beginning of this whole mess. 

For the remainder of the early morning, until his alarm goes off, Jeremy fluctuates between states of panic and states of nearly panic. So consumed by the, well, panic, his nightmare is lost in the recesses of his mind. 

* * *

Over the next few days, despite their mutual apologies, both Jeremy and Michael seem to be distancing themselves from each other. Michael will still walk with him to and from school, but only on the days he’s not picking up Rich, which is happening with increasing frequency. He’s offered to pick Jeremy up too, but not wanting to be the third wheel, more often than not Jeremy will tell him his dad is driving him in, even if it’s not always true. 

Even now, they don’t get much of a chance to talk, just the two of them, over lunch. Where Jeremy sits at the table changes on a daily basis so sometimes, he might even be on the opposite side to Michael. Of course, he does get to know the others better for it. For example, Jenna announces that she’s aspiring to be a journalist and is going to be writing for the school newspaper, thanks to Brooke’s suggestion last week. And while she’s still trying to find the balance between what’s considered newsworthy and what’s just plain gossip, Jeremy has to admit she can write an engaging article (even if it’s kind of hard to read when she shoves it at his face). 

During one memorable lunch, Chloe ended up talking very loudly with Christine, when Jake hadn’t arrived yet, about the fact she’s going to try and get back with Jake because they’ve both changed, they’re going to make such a better couple now, and that’s okay, right? Bemused, Christine had given her blessing and Chloe, to at least half the table’s surprise, planted a kiss on Christine’s cheek and called her a babe. 

Thursday sees Jeremy and Christine hiding away in the Rehearsal Room. Neither of them has specified it’s a date this time, but when Jeremy enters and it’s just the two of them alone, no prying eyes invading their space, it’s hard to think of it as anything else. He tries not to let his nerves over the specifics control him as he sits in front of her and they begin eating. 

They’ve nearly finished their lunches, and are in the middle of a conversation about who would win between space pirates and flesh-eating tentacled aliens, when Christine gets up, rummages in the props cupboard, and comes out with some old halloween bunting. Jeremy watches as she takes different strands and wraps them around her torso. He doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing until she declares:

“I am Balthezaria, the 6-tentacled alien, devourer of worlds and conqueror of planets!”

Jeremy’s mouth drops open slightly and he just sits there blankly until Christine brushes him with one of her ‘arms’ and cries, “Oh, what have we here? A space pirate who thinks he might be able to best me?”

It kickstarts Jeremy’s brain again and he grabs a cheese string, holding it up as if it were a sword. 

“Yes! I am...Salazar the Willful! A space pirate who will not let Balthazar destroy planets and take they’re...they’re booty!”

Christine nearly breaks character, but she regains her fearsome composure quickly and spins around so her arms take flight. 

“Come at me, puny pirate, and I will show you the wrath of my species!” 

"Hi-yah!” Jeremy cries, jabbing his cheese string towards her. Christine darts out of the way with a graceful skip. 

“You think that will be enough to beat me? Take this!” She moves in large, exaggerated motions so that they translate the extra arms. She swings to the side and when one of the pumpkin lined strands hits him, he makes an over-dramatic groaning noise and grabs his arm. 

“Ha! And that’s just the start! I’ll show you how tentacled monsters always defeat space pirates!” 

“Tis but a flesh wound,” Jeremy declares. He then spies the old-fashioned pencil sharpener sat on the desk and lunges over to grab it. “Let’s see you avoid my blast ray!” He rotates the sharpener and makes ‘pew pew’ noises as he directs it at Christine, who’s dancing around the imagining shots. She then suddenly falls back and leans against the wall. 

“You may have got a lucky shot, but try and avoid this!” 

They keep up the fight until Christine is leaping up on a chair to get some height on Jeremy. Except, in her enthusiasm, she doesn’t land on the centre and quickly loses her balance. Jeremy tries to steady her, but it’s fruitless and Christine ends up toppling onto him, sending them both to the floor. Jeremy lets out a gasp as Christine lands on his chest. 

“I’m sorry!” Christine squeals. She pushes herself up so that she’s not pressed flush against him, but she doesn’t move to fully get off him. They’re both very, very aware of the position they’re in. 

It almost feels like it’s something from a film, or a book, or...something. Boy and girl play fighting. Girl falls on boy. Boy and girl...kiss. 

Christine bites her lip and glances down at Jeremy’s. Blood rushes towards his face, which he’s grateful for because if it ran any lower, this could get more than a little awkward incredibly quickly. 

“Okay?” Christine asks quietly and all Jeremy can do is gulp, then nod. This is going to be his first kiss. At least, his first kiss where he’s (mostly) in full control of his own body. 

Christine lowers herself down slowly until gravity does the rest and her lips fall onto Jeremy’s. His eyes close of their own accord and as their mouths move slowly against one another, gently exploring this new territory, he waits to feel it. To feel that thrill of exhilaration, the thrum of desire, the...the _spark_. He waits to feel what he’d experienced with Brooke (and even Chloe from that brief, confusing kiss) but feel it enhanced, have it mean something more. He waits for this to be the best moment of his short life thus far. 

But it never comes. 

His lips still remember what to do, and he knows to move his hands to her hips, but he’s not...he’s not invested like he should be. This is the girl he’s been crushing on for years and he’s finally _kissing_ her. 

Yet he feels absolutely nothing. 

Actually, that’s not true. If anything, Jeremy’s starting to feel a little weirded out by it.

They stop kissing and Christine looks down at Jeremy, her expression unreadable. Jeremy, unsure what exactly is going wrong with his brain, says, “We should do it again!” 

Christine has barely said “okay” before Jeremy’s leaning up to kiss her once more. He pushes with an unrestrained sense of urgency, using enough force that Christine ends up breaking it and leans back. 

“Jeremy, are you okay?” 

“Okay? Me? Why wouldn’t I be?” Except he’s really, really not because there had still been _nothing_. Not even his...you know...showed any interest, and that thing showed interest in Mrs Windom across the road just last week! Which now might be less mortifying than his current situation, which was saying something. 

“You look like you’re having trouble breathing,” Christine says dubiously. 

“I’m not!” But he is. And he hates it. And he doesn’t understand it. 

“Jeremy, hey, it’s okay.” Christine places a gentle hand on his shoulder and tears of frustration threaten to leave Jeremy’s eyes. Why is this happening? He likes Christine, has crushed on her forever, but now that he has her, he’s suddenly not interested? What if he’s broken? What if the Squip took that part of him with it, the part of him that’s able to act like a normal person and feel normal things…

“Don’t bottle it up, Jeremy. I said you could talk to me and I mean it, about anything.” 

She sounds so earnest that Jeremy can’t keep it in. “When we kissed, I...I didn’t feel anything. You know the...the stuff you’re _supposed_ to feel when you kiss someone you like. And it’s messed up because I’ve liked you for years and this was supposed to be, I dunno, that moment. The moment everything clicked. Except, I’ve ruined it because that’s what I do now. I ruin everything. And maybe this is okay because it means you don’t get stuck with me-”

“Jeremy!” Christine interrupts. “Don’t talk about yourself that way. Please. I really like you, even if it’s not in a romantic way or whatever. And that’s okay, because I still want to be your friend. I want to keep hanging out with you. Does that have to change if we’re not dating?” 

“I guess not but...this is all I thought I wanted. So, why isn’t it?” His voice cracks at the end and Christine’s expression turns sad. She flips herself so she’s lying next to him and holds out her hand, invitingly, despite the utter shitshow that’s going down. Jeremy takes it. 

“Sometimes what we think we want isn’t actually what we want at all,” she says. 

“That doesn’t even make sense,” and to Jeremy’s horror, he inhales a big, wet sniff. Christine squeezes his hand reassuringly. 

“I’m just saying, when you crushed on me, you didn’t know me. Like, really know me. You couldn’t know for certain how we’d fit together. I think it’s still pretty good, but just not in the way we expected.”

“It sucks because you’re great.” Christine’s words have lifted his spirits somewhat. Enough that his agonising horror is turning into petulance and frustration. 

“I think you’re great too, and like I said. We can still hang out, just the two of us.” 

“Yeah,” Jeremy sighs. “How are you so chill about this?” 

“Um, well. I don’t know. I guess sparks didn’t fly for me either?” She admits. “It wasn’t a bad kiss or anything, just…”

“Not right?” Jeremy offers and Christine nods. 

“You're sure you're okay to hang out with me? Even though…” It’s Christine’s turn to be embarrassed, insecure, and Jeremy hates that she’d even consider he’d be anything but okay with it. 

“Yeah! Of course. We can do this and it just...doesn’t have to mean anything more.”

He bumps his arm against hers and she looks over at him, smiling. “Cool. And by the way, I totally won that fight.”

“You did not! You fell on me! I was just a gracious enough opponent to catch you.” 

“Uh-huh, then I guess you wouldn’t mind a rematch then!” Christine leaps to her feet and Jeremy loses his worries as he joins back in the imaginary battle. 

* * *

“Sooooo, how was your date?” 

Ever since Jeremy told Michael he and Christine were having lunch alone, he’d insisted on walking home with him. Something still seems _off_ about them though, and Jeremy blames that for the dishonest answer he ends up giving Michael. 

“Great. It went great. We, uh, kissed.” 

And for a brief moment, the strain between them disappears as Michael cries, “What, dude! Your first kiss with the girl of your dreams! How was it?” 

Memories of the nightmares, of Christine and Michael morphing together, suddenly him Jeremy and he has to shake them off before replying, “Nice. Good.” 

“Is that it?” 

It’s not enough, not how he should be reacting, he knows this but still, Jeremy snipes back with, “I dunno, dude! What am I supposed to say?”

And just like that, the awkward atmosphere is back. 

“Sorry,” Jeremy says, scuffing his shoe against concrete. “It’s just, this is all kinda new for me, you know?” 

“I get it,” Michael replies, though his tone is more subdued. “Hey, uh, on the topic of new stuff, I’ve got some news of my own.” 

“Yeah?” Jeremy glances upwards at him. 

“So, kinda following on from you and Christine, me and Rich decided to hang out over lunch, just the two of us and…,” Jeremy sees where this is going, and his stomach lurches violently. “He asked me out.”

“What did you say?” Jeremy’s voice is rough from how dry his mouth has suddenly become

Michael looks down at his feet, a small almost bashful, smile on his face. “I said yeah. He’s gonna come over to mine at the weekend since there’s not a lot of stuff we can do with his arms in casts.”

Jeremy wants to scream. Not only was his own date a massive disaster but Michael had one of his own. He thinks about all the things Michael and Rich _can_ do. They can watch movies together. Michael can put his arm over Rich’s shoulder. They can kiss, and it can mean something. 

“That’s great. I’m really happy for you.”

Jeremy has never spoken words so hollow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :D


	6. I can't help but yearn for a different time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

_"You're pathetic. Look at Rich. Even without me, he's managing to get everything you want. And yet, you continue to deny me. You'll continue to fall, Jeremy, continue to fail until you're worse than a loser. You'll be nothing, Jeremy. Absolutely nothing."_

* * *

3am on a school night, Jeremy sits up in bed, trying to work out whether Christine was right in her analysis of why he didn't want to be with her. He tries to remember what it had felt like before, when he _hadn't_ known her, at least, not in the way that really mattered.

Considering how long he'd spent harbouring them, it's surprisingly difficult to conjure up the feelings he supposedly had. He remembers how he'd always notice when Christine walked into a room, how he always wished he had the guts to just go up and talk to her. He'd had more than a few fantasies of them together, holding hands, kissing and...it had felt good, in his imagination. 

So why was reality so different? 

He compares his experience with Christine with his time with Brooke. Despite how different the girls were, his experience with them actually wasn't too dissimilar. Being with Brooke, getting to know her as more than the ditzy blonde who followed Chloe around, had been nice. Just like being with Christine was nice. More than nice. And sure, Brooke may have been kind of intense in her own way but she'd been kind to him, she made him feel good, like he was worth something being with her. But kissing her...kissing her was just like kissing Christine. Okay, so he had felt more...bodily reactions to it but he didn't know how much of that had been him and how much had been the Squip forcing him to react as it pleased.

But, he did like girls, didn't he? They were all he'd ever had crushes on, only ever thought about being with them, so why was it when he had girls who liked him he was unable to like them back? What was wrong with him? Had this been the Squip's parting gift, taking that away from him? Making him incapable of feeling anything? 

No, he still feels stuff. He feels affection for Christine, for Brooke, for all of them. It's just that he wants to feel _more_.

Anyway, it's not like Rich seems to be having the same problems. No, he's now getting everything he ever wanted. Hanging out with the popular kids. A boyfriend.

_Boyfriend._

It's ironic, considering that Rich had been the one to bully him and Michael by writing the word on their backpacks. Maybe Jeremy should do that to theirs now. They'd probably think it was cute. 

Suddenly, Jeremy wishes he'd talked more to Michael that night, the night he came out. At the time, it hadn't seemed like a big deal (it _wasn't_ a big deal, at least, not like that) but now he wants to know. How did Michael figure it out? Was he like Jeremy, but just always had crushes on boys? Or was there something different, something that Jeremy maybe hasn't experienced himself yet? 

Out of curiosity and nothing more, Jeremy imagines the most generic guy possible, the sort of guy who appears in ads and is designed to appeal to the highest number of people. He then imagines holding hands with said guy. His palms would be bigger than a girl’s, maybe rougher. He ends up using Michael's hand for reference since he's clasped hands with the dude enough to know. And yeah..it's not bad. Different, but not bad. 

He goes one step further and imagines what it would be like to kiss the generic guy with Michael's hands. Brooke's lips had tasted like strawberry gloss. Christine's had been soft. But what would a guy's lips be like? Would they be gross? Because guys can be super gross sometimes, or would it feel good? He pictures Michael's hands holding his sides, the generic guy's face leaning towards him. Phantom lips press against his own, a little dry and scraped from where teeth had bitten them…

Jeremy feels warm all over, his body starting to flicker on and he jumps out of bed, turns on the light and wills his Brian to shut off

Just because his body is acting this way, it doesn't mean anything, does it? After all, he's reacted this way to girls and it apparently doesn't mean anything. Not that bring gay, or what, bi, pan, something else would be bad just…

It's just an identity crisis is really the last thing he needs right now. 

Jeremy puts on his headphones and finds the loudest, screamiest metal he can.

* * *

The next morning, his dad takes one look at him and asks him if he wants to stay home and call in sick. Even though the alternative is having to face everyone while he feels like crap physically and mentally, there’s no way he can be left alone with his thoughts all day, so Jeremy insists he’s fine. So what if the bags beneath his eyes weigh heavier than that time he and Michael went to Costco and decided they could carry 10 bags of ice home themselves. 

Jeremy manages to make it through the morning without any embarrassing dozes but by the time lunch rolls around it’s a struggle to even lift his sandwich to his lips. Thankfully, he’s not all that hungry anyway, so he’s content just to sit at the edge of the table and listen. The conversation is harmless to begin with, Chloe talks about a party she’s planning to host in a couple of weeks, but then she suddenly stops herself and a wide grin spreads on her face. 

“So guys, I was going to save this for a super special time but...I can’t just keep it a secret anymore! Jakey?” She holds out her hand and with a relaxed smile, Jake takes it. “We are officially back together!” 

Brooke and Jenna squeal, and it’s followed by a few half-hearted, bemused congratulations from the rest of them. Michael even claps a couple times. 

“That means we now have three couples at the table!” Jenna says slyly, casting a glance to their side of the table and Jeremy’s heart sinks. Oh no. 

“Wait? Three?” Brooke shrieks, even louder than before. 

“Uhuh,” Jenna preens under the attention. “A little birdy told me you two kissed,” she points to Christine and Jeremy, and Jeremy wants to sink into the ground. He wants to make a coffin out of the sticky, gross cafeteria floor and never emerge. If he weren’t so focused on willing that to happen, he’d be demanding just how Jenna found this out. 

“And that you two are going out!” She moves her finger to point at Rich and Michael. They turn to each other, wide-eyed. 

“Um, actually,” Jeremy’s head snaps toward Christine and thank God Rich ends up also speaking at the same time, interrupting her, because it gives him the chance to try and silently tell her, _please don’t correct them_. Not only is it just an awkward thing to clarify in general but Michael would wonder why Jeremy lied to him and that’s a whole can of worms that, especially after last night’s revelation, he does not want to deal with. Thankfully, he thinks she gets it as he gives him a miniscule nod. 

“How did you hear?” Rich asks. He doesn’t sound mad, just confused.

“Yeah, I mean,” Michael looks at Jeremy, which Jeremy thinks is a bit rich since _he_ could have been the one to tell them about him and Christine.

“I didn’t say anything,” Jeremy tells him, more than a little hurt, and then they all look back at Jenna who’s still got a shit-eating grin on her face.

“A journalist never gives away her sources but I didn’t know it was true for certain, so thanks for confirming! Aw, this is so cute!”

“I feel left out,” Brooke whines, pouting as she rests her chin on a fist. “I miss having a boyfriend.” 

“I got you boo, we’ll go out this weekend,” Jenna says, patting Brooke’s hand. “But first, I want deets! Sorry Chlo, I’m happy for you but you guys are kinda old news.” She ignores Chloe’s huff of ‘rude’ and continues, “I wanna hear about you guys. So, who asked who out?” 

Jeremy could not be more relieved that she’s decided to question Michael and Rich first. Even though listening to them tell the story, including even _more_ details than Jeremy heard from Michael yesterday thanks to Jenna’s pestering, makes his stomach turn even more nauseous. There’s a gentle kick at his foot and Jeremy looks up to see Christine looking at him with concern. She tilts her head slightly. _Are you okay?_

Jeremy offers her a small, weak smile and then to try and assure the both of them that he’s okay, he sits a bit straighter and makes the effort to seem like he’s invested in the conversation. 

“So, are you guys, like, each other’s first boyfriends?” Brooke asks, having got over her earlier bout of depression. 

“We’re, um, we’re not boyfriends yet,” Rich says, turning pink and refusing to look at Michael. “But, uh, Michael. Would be. Um.” 

“Michael?” Brooke presses, oblivious to how invasive and uncomfortable her question is. 

“Uh, not...not exactly. I had an online relationship once. Um, nothing more serious than that.” 

Wait, what?

Jeremy’s getting ready to join in the conversation, to ask why Michael never told him that when it had to have happened when they used to tell each other everything, when the bell goes. Michael and Rich run off, using the excuse their class is on the other side of campus, but Jeremy feels rooted to the spot, even as everyone else leaves, including Christine. 

Michael had told him about that kiss at camp, but he hadn’t told Jeremy about an online relationship? He could have been lying...but what was the point? 

Why hadn’t he told Jeremy? Had the fractures started to form before Jeremy began to notice them?

* * *

Anger is easier to feel, easier to deal with than betrayal, and so it’s anger that builds during those final hours of school. All he can think about is how Michael hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him about his first relationship. 

He can’t decide if he’s glad or not that he and Michael had made plans to walk home that afternoon. It means they can talk about it now, but Jeremy doesn’t know if he’s in a fit state to work it out calmly. 

In fact, he’s definitely not, because the first thing he says when they’re side-by-side, walking out is-

“You never told me you had a boyfriend.” 

“Oh, that? I was just saying that to, you know, get them off my case.” 

They may be splintering at the seams, but Jeremy can still tell when Michael’s lying. He scratches his cheek and speaks slower, as if he’s testing out the words before he fully says them. 

“Rich admitted you would be his first boyfriend, so you could have too,” Jeremy points out, his tone blunt. 

“Yeah well...I panicked!”

The simmering anger swells. “Cut the crap, Michael! I know you’re lying. Why didn’t you tell me?” He doesn’t want to show vulnerability, show how much it hurts, so it ends up coming out like an order, a demand. 

“Because it wasn’t really a thing! We met online, some gaming forum, you know how I used to always be on those. Anyway, there was this guy who PM’d me and I don’t know, we hit it off. But it was online. I was 14. It wasn’t serious or anything and lasted like 2 weeks. Sorry, I didn’t realise I had to tell you absolutely everything that happened in my life.” 

That stings. “Yeah, well, I thought we were supposed to be best friends.” 

Jeremy continues walking until he realises that Michael’s not beside him. He spins around and Michael has an almost blank, but slightly mean expression on his face. 

“Yeah, I thought we were supposed to be best friends too. You know Jeremy, ever since you’ve come home from the hospital you’ve been acting weird. I can tell you’re not happy about me and Rich. Considering how supportive I’ve been of you and Christine, the least you can do is try to not look like you’re smelling shit every time I mention him.”

Jeremy tries not to let the surprise that Michael noticed show. “How can I be happy when all you seem to want to do these days is hang out with him, not me! Just because Rich is the first guy in real life who’s interested in you.” 

Jeremy regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth, but the damage is done. 

“I can’t believe…,” Michael mutters to himself, before straightening his back, standing strong and glaring at Jeremy. “So what if Rich is ‘the first guy in real life’ who’s interested in me. I _like_ hanging out with him. And fun fact, my whole life does not revolve around _you_. I’m allowed to go on dates if I want to. I’m allowed to spend time with other people. I’m allowed to not resign myself to spending evenings just sitting in your room playing video games! I’m allowed to have my own life and if you can’t accept that then...then screw you, Jeremy!” 

Michael storms past Jeremy, leaving him alone, standing on the sidewalk for who knows how long. 

It really is who knows how long, because one second Jeremy is standing beneath an overcast sky and the next, it’s pouring down with rain and he’s already soaked. He ends up running home, his sneakers slapping wetly on the concrete, and he flies into the bathroom, staring at his reflection with desperation. Tears blend in with the remnants of rain that drip from his hair. 

“Talk to me!” He yells at the mirror. “Say something! Stop this! It’s...it’s you making me do this!” 

He continues to shout, to scream, hoping and willing the Squip to reappear gloating, telling him this is all a part of his master plan, and that he’s been controlling Jeremy from the beginning. 

But no matter how hoarse his voice gets, how his legs tremble and threaten to crumple beneath him, the Squip never shows up. It’s just him. 

Just his fault. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider leaving a kudos or comment :)


	7. Behaving this way feels bizarre

That weekend, Jeremy refuses to leave his room for anything apart from food (which he brings to his desk to eat) and to use the bathroom. His dad's obviously worried about him, so Jeremy lies and tells him he's sick, that he's probably been coming done with something all week, and that if he tests he'll be fine by Monday.

It's one of the biggest lies he's told thus far because every second Monday creeps closer, Jeremy feels worse and worse. Unlike the last time they fought, Jeremy hasn't been able to bring himself to apologise and Michael hasn't sent a word to him either. Now, Jeremy only sees Michael through social media, and after what he sees on Instagram on Saturday night, he's tempted to delete them all. 

He's not exactly sure when he followed Rich, whether it was even before the whole SQUIP thing (in a 'know your enemy' kind of deal) but regardless, Saturday evening a picture pops up on his feed. A picture of Rich and Michael. You can't even really tell it's of them, the camera focused on a widescreen TV and a massive bucket of popcorn (Jeremy briefly wonders how Rich can eat it with the casts, before deciding he doesn't want to know) but the image still makes rage, mingled with bitterness and self-hatred, fire deep within him.

Jeremy doesn't get much sleep Saturday night, nightmares of Michael's date, of a future without him, startling him awake every hour. 

Sunday morning, there's a knock at Jeremy's door. It’s nearing noon, and so far all he’s done is get out of bed to take a leak. His stomach’s protesting the lack of food, but not even the smell of bacon frying could draw him out. He makes a half-hearted noise at the back of his throat in acknowledgement and even though it must be muffled by the duvet covering his face, his dad must still hear him, or he's worried by the silence.

“Heya son, how’re you doing?” 

Jeremy responds with a lackluster groan. The bed dips as his dad sits on the side of it and Jeremy doesn’t fight as he removes the sheets from his head, even though the light briefly stings his eyes. His dad’s hand is cool where it presses against his forehead. 

“Hm, you still don’t feel warm, but maybe we oughta get you to a doctor.”

There’s nothing a doctor can do for him, so Jeremy mutters, “It’s fine, I’m just tired,” and pushes himself back to break the contact. 

“Hm,” his dad repeats, wrinkles prominent around his eyes. Wrinkles that Jeremy’s causing by acting like this, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. Just like he doesn’t know how to stop being an ass to Michael. 

And speak of the devil…”If you don’t think you’ve got a bug, maybe you could call Michael. Talking to him always cheers you up and I’ve noticed he’s not been round here that much lately.”

“No,” Jeremy snaps, too tired to reign in his uncontrollable, confusing emotions. “I...I’m fine dad. Seriously.”

His dad’s quiet for a moment. “Well, if you don’t wanna talk to Michael, what about Christine?”

“For the last time, I’m fine!” Jeremy dives back beneath the covers in an attempt to escape all this. He hears his dad sigh, feels him pat his shoulder, and bounces a little as his dad stands up. Guilt swirls around his stomach but all it does is get lost with the black hole that’s taken residence. 

* * *

At 2 pm, Jeremy leaves his room to get some toast, the pain of his rumbling stomach too bad to ignore any longer. He brings it to his bed, uncaring of the crumbs that get scattered upon it, and as crunches on a slice, he dares glance at his phone. There’s still no messages waiting for him, but his dad’s words have echoed in his head ever since he left. Maybe he  _ should  _ call Christine. She’s the only one he can really, honestly, talk to about the Squip and so far, she’s not judged him at all. She’s just tried to help him. Even though there’s the risk he could end up doing something that pushes her away too, he’s sick of just lying in bed. He’s sick of the waiting. The uncertainty of when he’s gonna lose time, or when his body is just gonna freak out on him. And talking to Christine, even if it’s not romantic or whatever in any way, makes him feel good. 

**Hey, you around?**

It's not long before 3 dots appear beside her icon. Jeremy’s realised that she’s not one of those people who’ll look at a text and then just leave it hanging around. She replies instantly and right now, Jeremy’s immensely grateful for it. 

**Yeah!!! What’s up??**

How does he condense everything he’s feeling into text? Or even a phone call?

**Just not having a great day. Do you wanna come over?**

**Of course!!! Let me tell my mom**

Jeremy slumps against the headboard in relief. He only has to wait a couple of minutes before there’s another text.

**Where do you live?**

Jeremy sends her his address and then, as if awakening from a dream, realises the state of his room. There are crumbs covering his bedsheets and his room smells stale from having laid in bed for a day and a half with the curtains shut and windows closed. There’s a pile of dirty laundry sat by his door and half-full bags of snacks cover his desk. 

To put it bluntly, in the words of his mother, his room is an absolute pig-stye. And Christine had said it would take her 20 minutes to get there. 

Shit. 

He has to deal with his room, there’s no arguing with that, but first…

“Uh, dad?” His dad is laid out on the La-Z-boy recliner, pantless and wearing those ridiculous bunny slippers he’d found at the back of his closet a few weeks ago. Jeremy normally doesn’t mind the whole no pants thing these days since it’s usually reserved for weekends, but right now he really, really can’t have Christine seeing his dad like this. 

“What’s up son? You feelin’ better?”

“Yeah...sorry for snapping earlier. I thought about what you said and I’ve asked Christine over. She’s gonna be here in like 20 minutes so, um, could you, you know…,” he gestures at the pantless, hairy legs and his dad’s eyes widen. 

“Oh, sure! But, uh,” he coughs awkwardly. “I know this is your first time having a girl over, and I want you to keep the door open-”

The blood rushes to Jeremy’s face. “Uh, actually dad, I, uh…,” this was going to be embarrassing, but it would probably be more embarrassing if his dad thought he and Christine were together. “We’re not a couple or anything. We tried but...we decided we were better off as friends.”

His dad squints at him. “You sure you’re not just saying that?” 

The clock ticks threateningly in the background. “I really, really wish I was but no, we uh...kissed and it wasn’t like...it just didn’t happen. That connection, you know? But please, she’s gonna be here soon. Put some pants on.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll do it,” his dad says, getting up from his seat. “And for what it’s worth son, I’m sorry. I know it can feel like a sucker punch when things don’t turn out how you expect ‘em to.” 

“Oh,” Jeremy blinks, his dad’s words strangely accurate and comforting. “Thanks.” He doesn’t dwell on it too long, however, because he seriously needs to clean his room. It’s as if all the energy he’s been lacking over the past few days comes rushing to him at once and with almost superhuman ability, he cleans his room the best he can before the doorbell sounds. 

“I’ll get it!” He calls out, because even with his dad now fully clothed, he doesn’t want to leave him alone with Christine. Who knows what embarrassing stuff he might say to her. 

“Uh, hey,” Jeremy says after opening the door. Christine looks great, wearing a dungaree dress that on anyone else would look childish. Jeremy wishes he felt anything other than fondness at the sight. 

"Hi!" She looks him up and down and her smile widens. “Nice dressing gown! I love the stars. Do they glow in the dark?”

Jeremy’s mouth drops open. With everything else he had to deal with, he completely forgot about his pyjamas. 

“Uh.” 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Christine says, poking his shoulder lightly. “You said you were having a bad day. And I’m gonna try and help fix that! So, let me in?” 

Embarrassment dwindling surprisingly quickly, Jeremy lets her in and leads her to his room. His dad does end up stopping them to say hello, but it’s actually pretty chill (and short). 

There is still a lingering odour of what he guesses is just him in the room, but he’s opened a window and sprayed some old febreeze they had hanging around in a cupboard. He’s also hopefully hoovered up most of the crumbs, so he doesn’t feel too bad when Christine perches on his bed. 

I like your room. It's a nice theme. Is that an X-box?” 

“Yeah, do you play?” Jeremy asks, deciding to sit on his desk chair. 

“No. We have an old second hand Wii at home but that’s it. My mom doesn’t really like video games all that much so I never really played them.” 

Jeremy can’t imagine never playing video games. He’s not sure how else he could spend his time. 

“Oh. Maybe we could play. I could teach you some games?”

“That sounds fun,” Christine grins before she turns more serious. “But first...do you wanna talk about why you’re having a bad day?” 

Jeremy exhales loudly and slumps against his chair. “You remember when I zoned out? And I said it wasn’t the first time? It’s still happening. And the dreams...I don’t know when was the last time I had a good night’s sleep. And I’m...I’m not acting right. I yelled at Michael. And it has to be the Squip, doesn’t it? Because I don’t normally do that...I don’t normally act like this. But it’s like I can’t stop, like I’m not in control.” 

Christine scoots to the end of his bed and reaches out so that she can take his hand. “I’m sorry, Jeremy, I said I was gonna research it but...stuff came up. I did do a little though. And the spacing out thing and the tremors...I think it could be something like epilepsy. Not the Squip.”

“Epilepsy?” Jeremy echoes. “But wouldn’t I already know I had it?”

Christine bites her lip. “It could be that the Squip gave it to you. Hold on a second. Let me look it up.” She brings out her phone, typing quickly. 

“It says that symptoms of epilepsy include uncontrollable shaking, losing awareness and staring blankly into space…,” she lists off the rest of the symptoms and a new kind of fear takes over. “It also says that there are different causes of epilepsy, including severe head injury or a brain infection and when you think about it, that’s kind of like the Squip. It injured your brain, infected it. It kinda scrambled it, so could have scrambled it in a more permanent way. Did you ever ask Rich about whether he’s having the same experiences?”

Jeremy thinks back to the conversation, which hadn't actually been all that long ago, but feels like it had happened months ago. “I think he said he had twitches sometimes. But the Squip didn’t start shocking him or anything until near the end.” 

Christine’s expression can't hide her sympathy. “It makes sense then...and Jeremy, it says if you start experiencing this stuff, you should go see a doctor.” 

“But what about the nightmares?” Jeremy asks, now not sure what he’d prefer, that the Squip was still there or that he now potentially had a new illness. “It still talks to me in them.”

“I still think you have some kind of PTSD. That could explain it.”

“And the lashing out?” Jeremy asks, desperate now because even if this is PTSD or whatever, that means it's still him, and he's the cause of everything. He has nothing to blame any of this on but himself .

Christine shrugs. “I’m not a psychiatrist or anything but...TV and stuff kind of shows that emotional outbursts go hand in hand with it.” 

“So now I need to see a doctor  _ and _ a psychiatrist?” Jeremy asks glumly.

“Maybe. It couldn’t hurt, could it? It’d help answer some questions at least, and you might start feeling better.” 

Except to do that, he’d have to explain to his dad  _ why _ he needed them, and he’s not sure he’s ready to do that yet. 

“This sucks.” 

“I’m sorry, Jeremy.”

He sighs. “It’s not your fault." He's becoming a master at burying his fears and worries, so he does it again and asks, "Hey, I feel like we always speak about me. How’re you?”

“Me? Oh, I’m fine!” They may not have properly known each other for long, but Christine is a terrible liar. 

“There’s something. C’mon, if I can tell you all this, you can tell me what’s going on with you. If...if you want to that is.” It’s easier to focus on Christine right now than him, and thankfully, he sees that she’s not going to fight him on this. 

“Well...the past year or so I’ve noticed my mom and dad haven’t been getting along like they used to. They stopped going on dinner dates, my mom has been going out with her friends more and my dad spending more time in the office. Last week, I overheard them talking about how this can’t go on anymore and I...I think they may be getting a divorce.”

“Oh shit,” Jeremy breathes. “Christine...now  _ I’m  _ sorry.”

“Your parents are divorced, right?” She asks and Jeremy nods. 

“How was it? How did you choose who to live with? Do you still see your mom?”

Jeremy mulls over the question. “I guess unlike your parents, I couldn’t really see it coming. It was like, one day, they just said they were getting a divorce. Within a week my mom had moved out. To another state. They’ve never really told me what happened, just the standard ‘it wasn’t you’. My mom calls sometimes but we don’t have a regular system in place or anything.”

“Did she ask if you wanted to go with her?” 

Jeremy shakes his head. “They basically decided it was best if I stayed here, for stability and all that.”

“Oh.” Christine looks down. “I don’t know who I’d pick. Or if they’d both even want me.” 

“They’d be insane not to want you!” Jeremy says, sliding closer to her. “And listen, just because that’s how my parent’s divorce happened, it doesn’t mean that’s what’ll happen with yours. Maybe bring it up to them. It’s their fault if it’s obvious to you. Who knows, maybe they were saying that they needed some help or something, and they’re not gonna get divorced. At least, not right away.”

Christine’s smile is shaky. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Jeremy.”

He does the only thing he can and hugs her. They stay like that for a while until Christine sniffs and draws back.

“Wanna teach me how to play video games then?” She asks and Jeremy grins. 

“Christine, I’m gonna make you the best video game player ever.” 

Jeremy ends up teaching her the basic controls for a racing game. They make it halfway through a cup when Christine casually says, “So, I’ve been meaning to ask, do you want everyone to think we’re still together?” 

Jeremy immediately flies off the course and into the surrounding water. He pauses the game and looks down, picking at the controller. “Yeah...sorry about that. It’s just...I kinda lied and told Michael our date went well.” He scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. 

“Why?” Christine questions, tilting her head. 

“...I guess because things were...are going so well with him and Rich I just didn’t want to seem like I was...falling behind or anything. If it makes you uncomfortable, we can tell everyone.” What does it matter now anyway that Michael finds out he lied? There’s not much more damage he can do at this point.

“Maybe we’ll just correct them if it comes up again,” Christine suggests. “Anyway, let’s get back to the game. I'm totally gonna get first place! There’s a reason I passed my test first time y’know.” 

Jeremy laughs and presses play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end folks! And we've not hit the climax just yet...


	8. Look how many drinks I've downed

Looking at them now, you would never have guessed that Michael and Jeremy are best friends. Or, at least, had been. 

Monday morning, Jeremy forces himself to go to school. His feet work on autopilot, taking him towards Michael’s locker until he realises just where he’s headed and swivels in the opposite direction. It means he has to take the long way round to homeroom, but it’s worth it, in Jeremy’s opinion. After that, he’s more aware of his surroundings. Any time he gets a glimpse of a backpack that only looks similar to Michael’s, hears what could be the faint beat of reggae music, he flees. He even catches Christine at the start of lunch, asking if they can eat in the rehearsal room alone. 

Tuesday passes in a similar fashion but Wednesday, he and Christine are caught before they can hide away. Jenna’s gaze hones in on them like a missile and in an instant, her arms are latched around both his and Christine’s, her grip deceptively tight. 

“I know you two lovebirds need your alone time but we’ve missed you guys!” She says as she leads them forwards. “Besides, Chlo’s got an announcement!”

They couldn’t escape if they tried, and like a prisoner being taken to meet his sentence, Jeremy is dragged into the dreaded cafeteria. Everyone else is already there and thankfully, the remaining available seats are on the opposite side to Michael and Rich. 

Jeremy doesn’t know what hurts worse. The fact that he can see Michael and Rich’s ankles wound round each other under the table, or the fact that Michael doesn’t even spare him a glance as he sits down. 

“Finally!” Brooke exclaims. “You guys have been MIA like forever!” 

“I get it,” Jake says lazily. “Honeymoon phase, right Chlo?” 

“Right,” Chloe says, sliding her fingers through Jake for a loose handhold. “But, we’re not all here to talk about that, adorbs as it is. So, you know I mentioned I wanted to have a party? Well, it’s happening! This Saturday, 8pm. And I expect all of you guys to be there. But don’t worry, it’s super cas, there’s no dress code and absolutely no one is going to be bringing anything flammable.” She directs that to Rich, and red heat swarms up his face. “And also, no drama, got it? This is going to be the best party ever!” This time, she looks at Jeremy and Brooke, as if it was  _ Jeremy’s  _ fault that Chloe made out with him. “So, can I count on you all to be there?” 

Brooke, Jenna and Jake agree loudly. There’s only non-distinguishable murmurs from the rest of them and Chloe’s eyes narrow. 

“Uh, so was that a yes or a no? Because, it would be like, super sad if I couldn’t count on you guys to come to my party after all we’ve been through.” 

For one, brief, second, Jeremy’s eye catches Michael. But, instead of sharing the silent conversation of who would be taking the family party excuse and who would get saddled with dying uncle like they used to, Michael looks away and says, “Sure, we’ll go! Right, Rich?” He holds onto Rich’s hand, similarly to how Chloe had latched onto Jake. Rich looks surprised but smiles an annoying, adorable, little smile and nods. 

It makes Jeremy’s blood boil. 

“So will we!” Jeremy says as if it’s now a competition. He doesn’t think before sliding an arm around Christine’s shoulder. She gives him an indecipherable look before smiling at Chloe and saying, “Yeah, Chloe. Of course we’ll come.”

“Yay!” Chloe squeals. “Okay, so, let’s talk details. What do you think about…” Jeremy tunes out as the others discuss important matters such as whether to use red solo cups or blue and barely notices when Christine slides out from under his arm. 

All he can think about is the time he imagined holding Michael’s hand.

And how he wishes he was Rich. 

* * *

“Hey, Jeremy. Can we talk a second?” 

The bell’s going to ring any minute now, but Jeremy stays sat at the table as everyone else leaves. 

“What’s up?” He asks, his mind still distracted. 

“I thought we were going to correct them,” she says once everyone is out of earshot. “But earlier you...it’s like you wanted to think we were still together.”

Jeremy winces. “I’m sorry. It’s just...I don’t know. It’s...I…” The truth is, he doesn’t really have a credible excuse for it, apart from wanting to be on the same level as Michael. Apart from wanting to play into the fantasy where Michael has Rich, Jeremy has Christine, and even if they’re not talking now or ever again, it’s all fine. He’s fine. 

“We’re going to have to tell them eventually,” she tells him softly. “The longer we leave it, the more awkward it’s going to get.”

Jeremy hangs his head. “I know. I’m sorry.”

She taps him gently on the chin. “Don’t be sorry, Jeremy, just...have you mentioned therapy to your dad yet?”

Jeremy winces again, harder. “Not yet. I will! I’m just...waiting for the right time.”

The bell rings and Christine sighs. “I get it, Jeremy.” It looks like she wants to say more but stops herself. She picks up her bag. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”   


“Yeah, bye.”

Jeremy stares at the spot Michael and Rich had been sitting in and somehow finds the strength to drag himself to class. 

* * *

The rest of a week passes in a blur and before Jeremy knows it, he’s getting ready for the party. His dad had been a bit wary about him going, considering what happened at the last one he went to, but it had warred with his relief that Jeremy was going out again. He felt even better when Jeremy told him Michael was going too because Jeremy still hadn’t told him what happened between them. 

Despite the fact that Jeremy (to his knowledge) has only had one minor space out that week, Christine still insists on picking Jeremy up and driving. She arrives at 7.45 pm on the dot and Jeremy yells goodbye to his dad before meeting her outside. 

“Hey Jeremy, looking good!”

Without the Squip to guide him, Jeremy had felt a bit lost when it came to choosing an outfit. He’d ended up with his cleanest pair of jeans paired with an old, slightly too small striped shirt. It was missing a button at the bottom but fortunately, you couldn’t tell if he tucked it into his jeans. He’d even put on some of his dad’s cologne. He feels a bit weird, smelling like his dad, but he figures it’s better than nothing. 

Christine, on the other hand...well, she looks like Christine, only brighter. Her dress is white but looks like it’s covered in splashes of neon paint. She’s also got vivid blue eye shadow, pink lipstick and a sparkly blush. 

“Thanks, so do you. I really like your dress.” 

“My mom got it for me. I think she’s feeling guilty about the whole thing, you know?” When she’d got home after being at Jeremy’s, she’d spoken to her parents about what she’d overheard. They said they were struggling, but that they were also trying to fix things. Probably the best outcome, really. 

“Anyways, you ready to get this show on the road? By the way, I bought some of those non-alcoholic ciders I mentioned. Feel free to have some.”

Jeremy had agreed with Christine earlier in the week that it was probably smartest for him not to drink but when he heads into Chloe’s massive living room and sees everyone holding blue solo cups full of a sweet-smelling punch, he can’t stop himself from grabbing a cup for himself. Christine doesn’t stop him, doesn’t say anything, in fact, and Jeremy almost takes that as permission. 

Maybe this is a good thing to do. Maybe the Squip is or isn’t in his brain. At least now, he knows it won’t be doing anything to him tonight. 

The whole house is in darkness except for the different assortment of lights Chloe has set up. Laser strobe lights are in the living room, fairy lights surround the kitchen and there are even electric candles in the bathroom, placed in just the right places for him to get a good aim. Truthfully, all the different lights make Jeremy’s head hurt a bit, but at least in the darkness it’s easier to avoid looking for Michael. 

Drink in hand, Jeremy loses Christine pretty quickly, but it isn’t long before he finds Jenna amongst the sweaty, gyrating bodies of classmates he doesn’t even recognise. The music blares loudly but Jenna is even louder, her lips close to his ear. She tells him all about her new column in the school newspaper, about the shady past of teachers. Apparently, the school board had tried to stop her but she had argued that after the incident with Mr Reyes, didn’t they deserve to know who exactly was teaching them? She’d won her case, but they’d compromised by telling her they would need to approve all the articles before they were released. 

“Just wait until I create my own newspaper!” Jenna yells. “No one will be able to stop the truth from coming out!” 

“I’m sure it’ll be great!” Jeremy shares back. 

Together, they go refill their drinks. All too quickly, Jenna’s gone, replaced by Brooke. She’s frowning and Jeremy, drinks beginning to take effect, wants to get rid of it. Even if he doesn’t like Brooke that way, she was his first girlfriend and he wants her to be happy. 

“What’s wrong?” Jeremy asks, and when she still can’t hear him after he repeats himself multiple times, they move to a quieter spot in the hallway. Brooke slumps despondently against the bannisters of the stairs which have what look like Christmas tree lights wound around them. 

“I thought I was ready for this, you know? A new party. A new me. A more confident me. I thought the boys would be falling at my feet but...it feels like they’re not really seeing me. I look hot, don’t I?” Jeremy looks. She’s wearing a frilly crop top with a short skirt. Honestly, Jeremy thinks she looks cold, but he’s almost 100% sure that’s not what she wants to hear.

“Of course.”

“Then why does no one seem to care! No one’s asking me how I am. They’re not listening to me. Like, really listening. Ugh, I want what you and Christine have. Someone who thinks I’m hot and cares about me as an actual human being.”

Maybe it’s the drink, maybe it’s the need to actually tell the truth, but regardless, Jeremy leans in and says, “Actually, me and Christine aren’t dating. We tried but it didn’t work out.”

Brooke’s eyes widen. “But you guys look like a couple and you always hang out alone.” 

“Just good friends. Really good friends. And you’ll eventually find someone, Brooke, someone who’s awesome enough for you!” 

For a brief second, Jeremy’s worried she’s going to try and kiss him, but then she winds her arms around him in a tight hug. “Jer-bear, you’re the sweetest! And you’ll find someone too. D’ya wanna get another drink?”

They do, and Jeremy quickly loses Brooke. He’s wondering where Christine has got too, lost amidst the sea of people contained in what Jeremy guesses is the dining room, when someone catches his arm. 

Rich. 

It’s funny how just the sight of him makes him wanna throw up a little. But, he doesn’t want to make Michael angrier by puking on his new boyfriend so he clamps his lips shut and tries to look normal.

“Hey, Jeremy. Can we talk? Outside maybe?”

Jeremy doesn’t want to talk to Rich but thought of going outside and cooling his warm, sweaty skin sounds appealing so he follows the other boy out. The cool air is refreshing and he lets out a sigh of relief as he sits down on the ground. There are a couple of other kids other there, some making out, some lying down and looking at the stars. Jeremy tilts his head upwards. It’s an unusually clear night. It’s nice. 

“Are you still mad at me for bullying you?” 

The question cuts sharply through Jeremy’s musings. 

“Huh? No. It was the Squip.” Compared to everything else, it had been surprisingly easy to forgive Rich for that. It had been almost instantaneous the moment he heard his lisp.

“Oh, so it is about Michael then.” Despite the words coming out ‘matter-of-factly’, Jeremy just manages to catch the hint of disappointment through the haze of drunken panic that overtakes him. 

“What? What are you talking about?” The cup in Jeremy’s hand threatens to fall from his sweaty palms and he puts it on the ground. 

Rich sighs, looking ahead. “You know, whenever me and Michael hang out, he always mentions you. At the beginning it was always ‘oh, one time, me and Jeremy did this’ or ‘man, Jeremy would’ve loved this!’. I didn’t think too much of it, because you guys are best friends. It was cute. But then, when you had your fight, things changed. It was like he was just doing stuff with me because you weren’t there. Like he was filling the space you’d left with me. I don’t even think he realises he’s doing it, and I’m not gonna lie. I enjoy the attention. But, I get the feeling it’s not really me he wants to be with.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Jeremy’s voice is hoarse. The lingering alcohol sticks to his dry mouth and he decides the solution is to take another, long drink. 

“Do you like Michael?” The question is blunt, but not harsh. Rich looks like he simultaneously dreads the answer and has already accepted it. 

“He’s my best friend. Was,” he adds bitterly. 

Rich huffs. “I know you and Christine aren’t together. I overheard you two talking about it. Turns out that these days, people don’t notice me much. Including you guys.” He looks okay with that. “But anyway, don’t play dumb Jeremy, you know what I’m really asking you.” 

Jeremy finishes the rest of his punch. The world is blurring at the edges and he finds the words easier to speak. “For ages, ever since you and Michael started hanging out, I was jealous of you. I wanted to be you. I used to think it was just because you were taking Michael away from me. And that was a part of it. But...I think, I think I want to be you because of more than that.” A laugh escapes his lips. “I always thought I was straight, y’know?” 

Rich doesn’t laugh with him, but he does smile a little. “I always used to want to be straight. And...I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and Michael. But I do know he misses you. And if one of you would just actually try and talk to the other, that’d be great.”

Rich claps Jeremy on the arm and stands up. Though alcohol blankets the chill, a particularly vicious gust of icy wind sends him inside for another refill. He needs more to dull this ache within him, to dull this revelation. Because it’s true. He wants to be what Rich is to Michael. He wants to hold Michael’s hand. He wants to go to the movies with him. He wants to do everything they’ve done before, but with a different meaning. He wants to kiss Michael. He doesn’t want to be his best friend. He wants to be his boyfriend. 

Shit? Could he be in love with Michael?

He’s too drunk to fully analyse the question, but not drunk enough that the possibility sends a wave of fear and regret through him. 

He downs his drink in one go. Refills it, and staggers off into the crowd. The lights are no longer fuzzy dots or streams of colour, they’re wide blurs that morph into each other. He gets distracted by them, briefly, and bumps into someone. 

Bumps into Michael. Because of course.

He doesn’t really look different to normal. He’s still wearing a hoodie and jeans combo. But like Jeremy, he’s wearing a musty cologne and his hair shines as if it has product in it. He looks briefly surprised at Jeremy, before trying to push past him. 

Jeremy doesn’t want him to do that anymore. 

“Michael, wait!” 

He grabs onto Michael’s hand. It’s just as he remembered it. Just as he imagined it. 

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, so loudly a few people can hear him over the music and glance at them. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He repeats the phrase over and over as if they’re the only words he knows. Michael’s expression softens from anger into concern. 

“Jeremy, how much have you had to drink?” 

_ Still not enough. _ “I’m sorry for being such an ass. It’s because…” he doesn’t know how to express himself at that moment. How can he explain that he might not actually be straight? That being Michael’s best friend might not be enough anymore?

Instead of saying words, Jeremy’s body makes the decision for him. He stumbles forward into Michael and kisses him. 

_ This is what it’s supposed to feel like. _

It’s the only thought Jeremy has time for before a pair of hands shove him back into the crowd behind. He’s only saved from falling by what feels like a burly soccer player’s back. 

“What the fuck, Jeremy. What the fuck.” Jeremy only catches a glimpse of an angry, shell shocked face before Michael’s gone. The strobe lights catch his attention again, their colours swirling and changing so much that Jeremy can see little else. Bodies crash into him as he stays prone and there is a slight tremor in his hand. When Jeremy looks down at it, he collapses. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	9. He'll need a dad so strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about how long it took me to write this chapter, I just did not know how to start it D:

The knuckles of his dad’s hands are white from how tightly they clasp the steering wheel. His face is taught, and more than once, the sharpness of the car turning corners has caused Jeremy to slide in his seat.

They haven’t said a word to each other since they left the hospital. His dad has refused to say anything after listening to the nurse recount everything Jeremy said to her, and Jeremy himself is silent because he doesn’t know _what_ to say.

He leans his cheek against the cool car window. Clouds have long since hidden the stars, but Jeremy wouldn’t be looking at them anyway. He’s lost in remembering the past few hours. 

Michael’s face had been the first thing he’d seen. He can’t have been out of it long, but the main lights had all been turned on, and they’d cast a golden, ethereal halo around Michael. He’d been so close to Jeremy, that if he’d thought about it, he could have counted every individual freckle dusted across his nose. 

Jeremy’s not sure he’s ever seen Michael so scared before. Even when they were battling through their Squiped classmates, it had managed to feel more like a game than a life-threatening situation. But he’d been calling Jeremy’s name, so worried, so helpless, that it had nearly taken Jeremy’s breath away. Then, to see that panic melt into unmeasurable relief...for a brief moment, it felt like they were back to normal. That everything that had happened between them was forgotten. 

Except, then Jeremy began to notice the noise around them, sees the circle of teenagers surrounding them. Michael noticed them too, seemed to realise just where he was, what he was doing, and then he jumped backwards as if he'd been caught doing something awful. Jeremy barely had time to register it before Christine took Michael’s place, who frantically asked what happened. In the brief moment it took Jeremy to answer her, Michael had disappeared. Christine insisted that she take him to the hospital, and Jeremy, still drunk and heart fracturing, didn’t have it in him to fight. 

After that, things blend into a drunken haze. He remembers bits of being in the car with Christine. He remembers talking to a kind, ageing nurse named Rosa who thought it might be epilepsy, but he’d need to come back for tests. He remembers his dad rushing into the emergency room, face paler than ever, asking Rosa what had happened to his son. 

Christine had ended up leaving when his dad arrived, her parents were worried, but she promised to call in the morning. And that brings them to where they are now. A silent car. A phone that frequently buzzes with new texts, but he doesn’t bother to read any of them. None of them are from Michael. 

The journey home feels endless, but eventually, they pull up outside their house. As Jeremy removes his seatbelt, he notices that his dad hasn’t moved. He still has a death grip on the steering wheel and he’s staring blankly ahead. Jeremy isn’t sure whether he should say something, or just get out of the car. A few beats of awkward silence later, his dad solves that for him. 

“I thought we were doing better.” His voice is rough and even though the car light has turned off, Jeremy can still make out the creases by his eyes, the lines maring his cheeks. “I thought we were talking now. But then...then you end up in hospital. And I hear from a nurse that apparently you’ve been having all these symptoms for weeks and I had to just stand there and say nothing because it was the first I was hearing of it. Why? Why didn’t I know?” His voice trails off, weak and empty, and it’s like a sucker punch to Jeremy’s gut. A punch so hard it makes the alcohol still swimming in there lurch threateningly. 

“I didn’t want to worry you.” The excuse is weak to his own ears, and he can’t look at his dad.

“Well, you did a great job of that, son. What did you think was gonna happen, huh? That it’d all just go away and I’d never find out? What if it had been worse, Jeremy. What if you, I…” He cuts himself off, and Jeremy risks a look. He instantly regrets it. His dad is crying. The only time he’s ever seen his dad cry was when his mom left, and that was when he thought Jeremy was in his room. He’s never had to deal with it before. Never had it be because of him.

“I didn’t think it was that bad. It isn’t that bad.” 

“You don’t know that Jeremy!” His dad slams the steering wheel and the horn blasts, making them both jump. Outside, a few lights turn on as people wonder what’s going on. “The nurse said that you’ve been spacing out, that you’ve been having what sounds like seizures. Sure, they think it’s epilepsy, but what if it hadn’t been, isn’t...is this, are you taking drugs, Jeremy? Is this related to whatever happened at your school play.”

Jeremy touches his cheek to find they’re also wet. He’s tired. He’s so tired of keeping this a secret. And seeing what it’s doing to his dad...can telling the truth make anything worse at this point? 

“Can we go inside?” Jeremy asks. “I’ll explain everything, I promise.” 

It’s as if his dad has just realised they’re still in the car. He nods sharply and then the two of them head inside. Instead of taking his usual, laid back position in the recliner, his dad perches on the edge, hands clasped on his lap. He stares intently at Jeremy, who squirms under his gaze as he tries to figure out the right words to say. 

Eventually, he says, “Have you ever heard of a Squip?” 

* * *

It takes Jeremy over an hour to explain everything, and by everything, he means _everything_. From feeling like a nobody loser, to dating Brooke, to being the one responsible for giving all the other students Squips, to his jealousy of Rich, to the new symptoms, to his kiss with Michael. He feels raw by the end of it, hollow, but the emptiness is quickly followed by a wave of pure relief, like the feeling of sliding into a cold pool on an unbearably hot day. His dad, despite the obvious urge to ask questions, had said nothing throughout it all and now, Jeremy can’t quite work out what’s going on in his dad’s head. 

“Do you believe me?” He asks timidly and his dad blinks a couple of times, then runs a hand over his head, lifting his back from its hunched position. 

“I gotta say, Jeremy, it sounds unbelievable, like one of them sci-fi films.” 

Jeremy’s heart skips a beat. “So, that’s a no?” 

“No!” His dad nearly leaps off the seat with the vehemence. “No, Jer, I do believe you. Shit, son, I don’t think anyone is that creative and maybe if I hadn’t witnessed the change in you with my own two eyes, seen how freaky everyone was acting that play I might not have but...honestly, this is almost a relief. But still, I never knew you felt so bad about yourself, Jeremy.”

Jeremy shrugs, embarrassed. 

“Shit,” his dad sighs again. He leans back and closes his eyes, clearly deep in thought. “I’m not gonna lie, it’s going to take me some time to wrap my head around all this but...did you know that my cousin Eileen is a psychiatrist?” 

“Uh.” Honestly, his dad so rarely speaks about his extended family that Jeremy isn’t even sure he was aware he had cousins. 

“Well, she is. And I think it’d do you some good to talk to her. We’re not all that close but she’s trustworthy. While I think it’s important you get those tests done at the hospital, I don’t want them knowing about this Squop.” 

“Squip,” Jeremy offers. 

“This Squip,” his dad nods. “Who knows what tests they’d wanna do to you, and that’s if they believed you in the first place. But you do need help, Jeremy, that much is obvious, and I’m going to do my damndest to make sure you get it. I’ll give her a call in the morning.” 

“Okay.” The edges of Jeremy’s vision blurs from exhaustion. His head dips of its own accord and he hears his dad get up, feels the couch sink as he sits next to Jeremy. 

“Thank you for telling me, Jeremy,” his dad says softly. He loops an arm around Jeremy’s shoulders and Jeremy, suddenly feeling like he’s 5 years old again, turns it into a proper hug, burying his face in his dad’s chest. He’s crying again, for reasons he doesn’t quite know, and his dad holds him tight. 

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy hiccups. “About everything.” 

"I know, son, I know. And I’m sorry too.” Fingers run soothingly through his curls. “I’ve got you, Jeremy, always.”

* * *

Jeremy doesn’t know how long they sit there hugging, but it must have been long enough for him to fall asleep because the next thing he knows he’s waking up in his own bed, still in the same clothes as the previous night but without shoes. Sat on the bedside table are a large glass of water, his phone and a couple of painkillers which...yeah, he needs. Jeremy chugs the water, swallows the pills and then flops onto his back again, still feeling drained. His clock tells him it’s almost noon but he feels like he could sleep for a week. 

At least there’s one pro from this whole thing. He can’t remember having a single nightmare. 

Jeremy’s phone vibrates, a message from Christine popping up and he winces when he unlocks it. 55 messages. He guesses he should be flattered by the attention. He presses on the first one, Christine asking him to let her know when he’s up and wants to talk, but before he answers her, he figures he ought to go through the rest first. 

Seeing who the next one is from, he almost drops his phone. 

Sent at 11.14 am, is a text from Michael. 

**We need to talk.**

It’s Michael voluntarily wanting to talk to him, which is good, but the way it’s phrased makes Jeremy want to dive under the covers and create a home there to live in for the rest of eternity. Nothing good ever comes from ‘we need to talk’. He’s not even asked how Jeremy’s doing. Does he even care, anymore? 

Jeremy distracts himself by going through the rest of his messages. At least 10 are from Brooke alone, who asks him how he is, tells him not to die, and that he’s a super sweet guy. That, at least, makes him smile. 

There are a few from Chloe, who says she hopes he’s feeling better but that it was super irresponsible of him to not let her know he has a ‘thing’. 

Jenna has also left a multitude of texts. She, of course, wants to know every single detail. Jeremy bets that if she could, she’d be running an article about it in the newsletter, which is a bit terrifying. 

Jake has just sent two messages. The first one just reads ‘that was epic’ and the second one says, ‘you good bro?’ Jeremy wonders how much he saw. 

There’s also a text from Rich. Jeremy almost avoids looking at it all together, but he forces himself to read it. 

**Michael told me what happened. I do think it might have gone better if you’d just talked first. I hope you’re okay and I’m not sure if Michael will tell you himself, but he’s worried sick.**

God, even after Jeremy kissed his boyfriend, Rich is still being unbearably nice. Jeremy almost wishes Rich would get mad at him. It’d be easier to understand, and he deserves it. 

However, even knowing that. Even knowing he did a shitty, terrible thing, Jeremy can’t regret that kiss. Kissing Michael...it was everything he’d ever hoped for when he imagined a kiss. It felt right. It felt _good_. It proved he isn’t broken. Jeremy can’t lie to himself anymore. He likes Michael. He wants him. He wants Michael the way he thought he wanted Christine. 

And more than anything, he wants to make things right, but he’s terrified it might be too late for that now. He’s terrified he’ll never get the chance to discover Michael in a new way, discover whether he doesn’t just love Michael as a best friend, but more than that. 

Jeremy lets out a strangled noise and covers his face with his pillow. Love. Shit. How is this only just happening now? They’ve been friends for years. Why is he only realising this now? 

There’s a knock at his door and Jeremy has just enough time to pretend he wasn’t trying to suffocate himself before his dad enters. 

“Sounded like you were awake. How’re you doing?”

There’s nothing left to hide anymore, so Jeremy answers honestly. “Not great.” 

His dad hurries forward, pressing the back of his hand against Jeremy’s forehead. “Another attack?” 

“No,” Jeremy shakes his head, dislodging the hand. “Nothing like that. I...I got a text from Michael.” 

“Oh. That’s good, isn’t it?”

A high pitched whine escapes Jeremy’s lips. “He said we need to talk. And that never means anything good.” 

His dad sits down in the desk chair. “Well, from the sound of things, you boys have been doing everything _but_ talk, so I’d say it sounds like a step in the right direction.”

Jeremy frowns. “But what if he wants to tell me he never wants to see me again?”

His dad sighs. “Look, both of you have said some pretty mean stuff to each other. And kissing Michael at the party...not your smoothest move, son. But, you boys have been inseparable for years now. Things just started going downhill when you weren’t honest with each other, or with yourselves. I think you just need the chance to lay everything out in the open and apologise. No secrets, just like you did with me last night. That boy has always looked at you like you hung the moon and I’m sure you can get through this.” 

Even though his dad’s words are encouraging, it doesn’t fully quell the fear. “But what if he tells me he doesn’t like me, you know, in that way.” 

Expression softening, his dad says, “Sometimes that happens and it really, really sucks. And it’ll hurt. But if you really do care about Michael, you’ll respect his decision and you’ll learn to move on. Even if it doesn’t feel like you will.” 

“You and mom can’t even stand to be in the same room together,” Jeremy replies glumly. 

“Me and your mom are a bit different but, well, I actually came to tell you this. I called her this morning. She’s going to fly over here next weekend. Spend a week here.” 

“Here as in…?”

“This house. You don’t mind me bunking in here do you?” His dad asks hopefully. 

Slowly, Jeremy shakes his head. “No, but uh, did you tell her…?”

“Nothing about the Squip. I thought I’d leave that up to you.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jeremy’s not sure what he’s gonna tell her. Truthfully, he’s just still trying to get his head around the fact she’ll be staying with them. He loves his mom, but he’d also come to terms that they’d just have the sort of relationship where they spoke on holidays and birthdays. 

“I also called Eileen,” his dad carries on. “Didn’t explain everything there either but she’s happy to talk to you. She lives a few towns away so she said that she can do some in person appointments, but also some online depending on what worked. Even managed to snag a friends and family discount,” he winks. Jeremy doesn’t smile. He’s just reminded about how much this is going to cost them, has already cost them. 

“Get that look off your face, Jeremy. We’re gonna be fine. Now, I’m going to make us a hearty lunch. And son, I know it’s scary, but I don’t think you should put off talking to Michael.” 

His dad claps him on the shoulder and leaves. Jeremy knows he’s right, and even if it all goes to hell, Jeremy does want to talk to Michael. He needs to talk to him, even if it’s just to apologise. 

Hands shaking, Jeremy picks his phone up. 

**Are you free today?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're close to the boys actually for once! Who's excited for that? I know I am!


	10. With your friend at your side

2 pm. That’s when Michael will be arriving. Jeremy had offered to go to his, but Michael had insisted. Whether it’s because he’s worried about Jeremy, or whether he doesn’t want Jeremy in his house anymore, he doesn’t know. Regardless, it leaves Jeremy with enough time to get dressed, choke down some eggs on toast and call Christine. She picks up on the first ring. 

“Jeremy! Are you okay? What did the doctor say? Have you explained everything to your dad?”

“I’m fine, maybe epilepsy but they need to do a few tests and yeah, I did.” He expands a bit more, giving her a run-down of the hospital visit and the talk with his dad, before ending on the fact that Michael will be at his in the next half an hour. 

“Oh wow. I’m kinda impressed,” Christine admits. “You know, Michael was the first one to text me when we left. And I wasn’t there but things have blown up a bit...did you really kiss Michael?” 

Jeremy bites his lip, hard, and his tooth cuts through the delicate skin. Great. 

“Uh yeah, yeah, I did. I actually wanted to say, I’m really sorry that I...that I led you along, I guess. I didn’t realise that what I felt for Michael was, well...you know.” 

“Oh, Jeremy, it’s okay! I get it, feelings are confusing. And I don’t wanna say I knew it, because that sounds super duper patronising, but I suppose I guessed. The way you were reacting to him and Rich, how desperate you were to make us work...it made sense.” 

“That obvious, huh?” Jeremy says weakly. 

“Just to me,” Christine assures him. “And maybe Rich. He and I actually had a long conversation last night. He was worried about you, and Michael, and he mentioned that you two talked.” 

“Yeah, we did. I don’t think he was expecting me to kiss his boyfriend.” Guilt, ever present in his stomach, surges like a tsunami.

“Maybe not, but I’m sure he’ll forgive you when you apologise,” Christine says, so matter-of-factly, as if of course Jeremy would apologise to Rich, even though that thought hadn’t even crossed his mind yet. “And I’m sure you and Michael can get through this. Just be honest with him. Doesn’t look like it’s gone too badly so far.” 

“I guess,” Jeremy sighs. “But thanks, Christine. You’re the best. I really don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

“Probably repress all your emotions until you burst,” Christine teases. “But same here. I’m super glad we’re friends.”

“Me too. I’ll text you after. Let you know if there’s a best friend vacancy.” 

“Oh stop that. You’re allowed to have more than one best friend anyways. Speak to you later, Jeremy. Good luck!” She hangs up and Jeremy tries not to let the sudden drench of anxiety overwhelm him. He’s still got 15 minutes to kill and a part of him wonders whether he should tidy up some more. He’s never felt the need to clean before Michael’s come over, and he’s seen it in way worse states than it’s in now, but things feel different. He’s not sure if Michael would appreciate the thought, or if he’d end up just making things weirder. 

In the end, Jeremy spends those 15 minutes perched on the edge of his bed, biting the loose skin around his thumb to give his lip a break, and scrolling through Tumblr. He’s not even sure when he got the app, but it serves as a decent enough distraction until the doorbell rings, shocking Jeremy into nearly dropping his phone. 

Michael never used to ring the doorbell. He knows the spare key is hidden in the plant pot outside. 

"I'll get it," Jeremy croaks out, just loud enough for his dad to hopefully hear, and on trembling legs, he stumbles towards the door. He's never felt so nervous before, not because of Michael, at least. He tries to steady himself before he opens the door, but the sight of Michael still causes his heart to skip a beat. It’s as if he’s only noticing now how much he loves the soft curls of Michael’s hair. How he misses the dimples that form when Michael’s mouth forms that grin reserved just for Jeremy. How he wishes he could hold Michael close to him, smell that unique mixture of candy and earth. 

“Hey,” Michael greets, soft, awkward. His eyes are scanning Jeremy head to toe, as if reassuring himself that Jeremy’s in one piece. “Christine said you were okay.”

Jeremy nods, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. “Uh, yeah. I’ll explain. Um.” He steps to the side. “My room?” 

His dad had told him over lunch that he’d allow Jeremy to shut his door for this, that he trusted him and respected that they’d need some privacy.

Jeremy really, really loved his dad. 

“Yeah.” Michael leads the way but when they reach his room, Michael just stands in the centre, uncertain. One upon a time, Michael would barge into his room, leap on his bed shoes and all and act like it was his own. His heart aches painfully when Michael chooses the desk chair, leaving Jeremy to sit on the bed. 

They sit in silence for a few moments. 

“Michael, I just wanna say I’m so sorry-”

“What happened at the party, Jeremy, I-”

They both stop themselves. “You go first,” Jeremy says and Michael nods. He scratches his cheek absently and his eyes flit around Jeremy’s room, as if it’s the first time he’s seen it. Eventually, they settle on a picture Jeremy has on his wall. It’s a photo of them from Halloween a couple of years ago. They'd wrapped Jeremy head to toe in toilet roll and doused Michael in green paint, nails stuck to his neck with tape. They’d both been uncomfortable the whole night - Jeremy couldn’t pee and the nails kept ripping off, but not once had Jeremy felt self-conscious. He hadn’t cared that they barely got any candy, he’d just enjoyed time spent with Michael, alone, joking, laughing. 

“What happened at the party, Jeremy? Why did you kiss me? And then, what was that, it was like you had a seizure?” 

“Right, yeah.” Two very loaded questions there. Jeremy had expected both, but it was like all his carefully crafted replies had flown out of his head. “Um, I’ll start with the seizure thing. Basically, it looks like I might have epilepsy. Thanks to the Squip and it’s shocks and all that. It’s not been confirmed or anything but...” He shrugs. Honestly, Jeremy’s come to the conclusion that as bad as it all sounds, he’d take epilepsy over the Squip still residing in his mind any day. 

“Shit,” Michael breathes, “But you’re okay now?”

Jeremy nods. “I guess I need to be careful around flashing lights. And I probably shouldn’t drive. But uh it’s…it’s not exactly the first time something like that’s happened. Though, this was the first time I properly passed out.” Honesty is good, Jeremy repeats to himself as Michael’s eyes narrow at him, suspicion evident. 

“What do you mean?” 

His shoulders slumped, Jeremy replies, “Ever since I left hospital, I’ve been having these weird, like, episodes where I’d blank out or have weird jerks in my body.”

Michael’s gaze turns vacant as he gets lost in thought. “I was there for one of them, wasn’t I.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy admits, face burning. 

“And you didn’t say anything?” He sounds hurt and Jeremy picks at his bitten thumb, trying to override the fresh surge of guilt with the sting.

“I didn’t wanna worry you! I wasn’t even sure what it was. It could’ve been nothing. And you’d already had to put up with me and the Squip that I just, I just didn’t wanna add to it.” 

“Yeah, well, that worked out well, didn’t it,” Michael says bitterly. “Next you’ll tell me the Squip  _ is  _ back.” 

Jeremy winces. “Well, not exactly…”

It’s scary how quickly Michael’s face turns expressionless. Numb. “What?”

_ Honesty is good. _ “As well as all the spacing out and stuff, I’ve been having nightmares. Nightmares where it spoke to me. Last night was probably the first okay sleep I’ve had for a long time. And...sometimes, I would hear it during the daytime. I thought it might have been back. But,” Jeremy is quick to add, as Michael’s skin turns ashen, “It probably isn’t. Christine thinks it’s some form of PTSD and, and I’m gonna be seeing a psychiatrist. My dad’s cousin.” 

“And you didn’t bother to tell me any of these? Jesus Christ, Jeremy!” Michael yells. Jeremy has nothing to say, and so just watches Michael shut his eyes and take two huge lungfuls of air. “So then, everything that’s been going on these past few weeks has just been you?”

Jeremy bows his head, ashamed. “Guess so.” 

“And the kiss?” Michael asks, tone sharp.

“Yeah.” Jeremy licks his lips, his tongue brushing over the dry split he’d caused earlier. “Look, Michael, I’m really sorry. Not, not about the kiss. Not exactly. But how I did it. I should start off by saying me and Christine, we’re not together. We kissed but, um, there was nothing there. And then...then I was just lying. I was getting jealous of you and Rich and I guess I wanted to try and make you jealous back. Because I really did feel like I was losing you, Michael, that I was losing my best friend. And then, then I started to wonder, why didn’t I like Christine? Why was I getting so hung up on you and Rich and that’s when I started to realise it wasn’t Christine I really wanted. It was you, Michael, and then, then Rich made it sound like you could maybe like me back and I was tired, drunk and...I’m just sorry. I’m sorry, Michael.” Jeremy’s voice is hoarse by the end of it. He glances up to see Michael’s face pressed against his hands as he hunches over. His fingers clench into his forehead briefly, catching straggling dark curls, and then he whips his head up, anger in his eyes.

“So what, you decide like me as soon as I get a boyfriend? Sounds awfully convenient to me,” Michael says and Jeremy’s chest tightens in response. 

“I know, I know it’s weird but I never had to question it before! I just assumed I was straight and when it was you and me just hanging out, that was enough. And I do really like Christine, but it didn’t take long to realise it was  _ only  _ as a friend. And then I started...testing stuff. Like, what it would be like to be with a guy and it  _ was  _ weird...but it got less weird when I imagined you. It freaked me out but then everything started to make sense. I guess...I guess I just needed the push to realise that I could think of you in a different way.” It sounds lame to his own ears, let alone Michael’s, but he really can’t explain or understand why it took him so long to realise it. He wonders what would’ve happened if he  _ had  _ realised it sooner. 

“Why now!” Michael yells, looking more like he’s asking God and not Jeremy. He leaps out of the chair and starts pacing the room. “Why now? Shit, Jeremy, I’ve been half in love with you for at least a year now and just when I thought I could get over you, just when I thought I could be with someone else and be happy you pull this shit! And it comes right after you were a shitty friend to me! Shit!” 

He knows he shouldn’t be focusing on this, that it’s just a small fraction of a tone of issues between them, but still, Jeremy says, “Half in love?” 

Michael lets out a choked scream of frustration. “Yeah, you absolute dumbass! But now, now I dunno,” he collapses back into his chair and starts tugging at loose threads of his hoodie. “After the hospital, I  _ was  _ intentionally spending more time with Rich. Not because I wanted to know him more, I mean, I did, but also because...I was scared. When you left, when you literally  _ blocked me from your vision _ , I was completely alone. I didn’t really have any other friends. And I hated it. And I was scared it could happen again, and I’d be alone. I wanted to prevent that. I wanted to be prepared in case you decided you didn’t want to be friends again. I was also scared of getting too close, because the thing with Rich and I, I could see it working. But if I got too close to you again, all the hard work I’d put into getting over you could’ve been unravelled.” Michael leans back, frowning. “We both said some shitty stuff. And I’m sorry. I...I guess I get why you didn’t tell me stuff. And I mean, I don’t tell you everything either.”

“It’s okay,” Jeremy says quietly. To him, Michael is already forgiven. He can’t say the same for himself. “What now?” 

“I dunno.” Michael shuts his eyes. “Look, Rich is a really sweet guy. I really like him but last night...he didn’t exactly break up with me, but he said I needed to sort things out with you. But, even knowing you like me...I’m still scared, Jeremy. What if you don’t actually like me? What if the Squip’s back and this is all fake? Things have got so messed up between us I don’t even know how to begin getting it back to normal. Fuck, Jeremy, why did you have to kiss me.” He brushes a hand over his lips. 

“I really am sorry, Michael. I totally get if you don’t even wanna see me anymore, but I do miss you. Even if it’s not being together, together, even if you decide to be with Rich, I miss my best friend. I miss laughing at nothing with you, I miss our inside jokes, I miss feeling like we can talk about anything with no judgement. I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry I acted like a jerk, I’m sorry I kissed you like that. Do...do you think we can at least try to be friends again?” Tears slide down Jeremy’s cheeks. 

They match Michael's. 

“I want to,” Michael replies, voice heavy. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for holding back, for trying to replace you with Rich. I guess it just really hurt seeing you so excited with Christine, trying to hide how much it did was tiring. Listen, I don’t know how things are gonna turn out, if I’m gonna be able to believe your feelings for me are real, if we’d be good together, or whether I should still try with Rich, but I really fucking miss you, Jeremy. I miss my best friend too.”

“I swear, I’ll support you no matter what,” Jeremy promises. He remembers his dad’s advice. It hurts, it really sucks, but it won’t be forever. Besides, Michael’s dealt with feeling this for at least a year, Jeremy can handle it. 

“Thanks.” Michael sniffs loudly and wipes an arm across his eyes. 

“But…,” Jeremy broaches hopefully, “We can still hug, yeah?” 

Michael doesn’t reply. Instead, he tackles Jeremy on the bed, wrapping his arms around him tight. Sure, it’s not a kiss, not even a promise that they’ll ever be together like that, but even so, having Michael in his arms is the best feeling in the world. The tears are flowing again and they sink into Michael’s hoodie. He can feel a wet patch forming on his own t-shirt, so he doesn’t feel too bad about it. 

Things weren’t even close to being normal again but with the two of them like this, Jeremy only held hope that they would. 

They were gonna be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I legit hated this chapter. Trying to get them to sort through everything required me to both remember everything they went through, and then try to write about how they'd deal with it in at least a semi-realistic way. Oof, definitely a tough one and I hope I've not completely ruined it.


	11. My Favourite Person

**1 week later**

Jeremy’s left foot bounces on soft carpet. As he waits for Eileen to get him a glass of water, his eyes trail down the lines of pale yellow flowers decorating the walls. His teeth catch his lip and the sudden sting sends Jeremy flinching back into the surprisingly clean, cream sofa. It sinks a little too far back, but it makes him sit upwards, shaking off a couple of nerves. Seconds later, Eileen returns and offers him the glass. Jeremy grips it tightly with both hands and takes a few small sips. Eileen takes a seat in the armchair opposite and looks at him with the same, warm smile she’d worn when she’d opened the door. 

Eileen’s not what Jeremy had expected. When he’d imagined a psychiatrist, he’d imagined sharp-lined, ageing adults furiously scribbling into notebooks, trying to pry secrets you didn’t even know you had out of you. Eileen isn’t all that young, she has a few grey streaks in her auburn hair, but Jeremy can see echoes of his dad in her, in the curve of her face and the laughter lines around her eyes. But she hadn’t gone too far the other way either, not drawing Jeremy into a claustrophobic hug like member’s of his mum’s side of the family often did. She was immediately calm and reassuring, enough so that Jeremy didn’t feel the need to have his dad in with him. He was currently sat in the kitchen reading a book. Out of hearing range, but close enough in case Jeremy needed him. 

Still, that didn’t mean Jeremy was completely relaxed. Case in point, his foot was bouncing again. 

“Your dad explained a little to me on the phone,” Eileen starts, “but not a whole lot. And since we’ve never officially met, I thought it would be good if we got to know each other a bit first. How does that sound?” 

“Uh, good? Um, I’m kind of boring.” 

Eileen chuckles. “I promise you won’t be as boring as me. Want to know what I did last night? Sat up watching reruns of dancing with the stars. I’m sure you had a much more exciting Saturday night.”

Jeremy’s lips quirk up. His foot stills. “My friend Christine came over. She’s been planning a one-woman show and…”

They do eventually get onto the Squip, and while it’s more a rundown of everything that happened than an actual session, Jeremy feels hopeful by the end of it. Eileen doesn’t once say she thinks he’s crazy and even promises to try and do some research, to see if there are any other cases floating out there. 

Jeremy leaves looking forward to their next session. 

**2 weeks later**

Jeremy would like to say he hasn’t totally been avoiding Rich but...he’s totally been avoiding Rich. Beyond answering his text to tell him he’s okay, Jeremy has done everything he can to make sure he’s not alone with Rich. He’s told himself it’s because he doesn’t want to get between whatever’s going on with him and Michael (he’s not sure any of them know what’s going on) but truthfully, it’s because Jeremy doesn’t know what to say to him. He’s almost certain that Rich will just let everything that’s happened be swept under the rug, as he’s done so far pretty much, but as much as that would make Jeremy’s life a hell of a lot easier, the guilt continues to eat him up. Even without talking it through with Eileen yet, he knows that the only way he’ll be able to start dealing with it is by talking to Rich, but every time he even considers it, his body freezes and his brain goes haywire. 

Therefore, it makes sense that Rich is the one to corner him. 

It’s the end of the day, Jeremy shoving a couple of books in his locker; when he hears his name. He slams the locker shut, and there’s Rich. 

“Hey, Jeremy.” Rich shuffles awkwardly, trying to avoid the crowd of kids filling out from jostling his arm. “Uh, I just wanted to ask, are we okay?” 

Jeremy’s guilt gets an upgrade. 

“You really shouldn’t be the one asking me that,” Jeremy says.

Rich shrugs. “Well, it kinda feels like you’ve been avoiding me…”

“Because you should hate me!” Jeremy blurts out and Rich takes a step back in surprise. 

“Hate you?” He asks, so, so confused that it makes Jeremy’s insides crumple. “Why?”  
“Because I kissed your boyfriend and now things between him and you are weird. I ruined your relationship and I’ve not even tried to be all that nice to you and…,” Jeremy slumps. “I’m sorry, Rich. For everything.” 

“Oh. Well, I forgive you.”

“What?” Jeremy’s head whips upward so fast it almost gives him whiplash. “You can’t forgive me that easily!” 

“I just did,” Rich says, smiling slightly. “You managed to forgive me for bullying you for so long. And honestly, things were weird before you kissed Michael. Anyway, it sounds like you have a lot going on.” 

“It’s not an excuse,” Jeremy says earnestly. “I still shouldn’t have done it.”

“Yeah, probably not. But, I do like you, Jeremy. I’d like it if we could be friends.”

Forget the physical whiplash, it’s all emotional now. “Really?” 

“Really,” Rich grins before it fades. “I mean...if you want to.”

“I do!” Jeremy replies, almost shocking himself with how true it is. There’s still some jealousy there, brimming beneath the surface, but it’s more manageable now. It’s easier to say, “I’d like to be friends. Properly. And uh, I just want you to know that I’m not trying to steal Michael away from you or anything…”

“Me and Michael...we’ll see,” Rich says vaguely. “But, maybe you and I could talk about stuff that’s not him? Like, oh, did you hear about the new batman casting?” 

“You mean Robert Patterson? Yeah! I dunno man…”

And that is the start of a new, only slightly awkward, real friendship. 

**3 weeks later**

Christine’s parents are officially not getting a divorce. 

“It’s kinda gross, now,” Christine whispers to him beneath the pillow fort they’ve made in her room, her wide smile contradicting her words. “They’re always kissing and having dinner together.” 

“That sounds good.”

“Yeah,” her happiness dims. “I guess...what if it doesn’t last? Like, what if things just end up the way they were again?” 

Jeremy twists so that instead of looking upwards at the blanket roof, he’s looking at Christine. “Then...I guess it is what it is. Maybe they can be happy together, and it’ll be great, but...maybe they’ll be happier apart. Either way, they’ll do what’s best for them, and that’ll be what’s best for you. I bet if my parents stayed together, they’d have just been unhappy, which would have made me happy. I wouldn’t exactly say things are better now, but they’re not worse than they would have been. And at least it gives them a shot at something more.” 

Christine blinks a few times before turning to her side. “You know, you’re really wise sometimes.” 

“Just sometimes?” Jeremy says and Christine laughs. 

“Uhuh, sometimes. Don’t think I’ve forgotten the literal past months. You sure can be dumb too.” 

Jeremy snorts. “Yeah, I can’t argue with that.” 

Over the last few weeks, they’ve not exactly said they’ve broken up to everyone, but Jeremy’s no longer tried to pretend they're a couple. They still spend a few lunches alone in the rehearsal room, but most of the time Christine creates a new scene for them to act out, or they talk. Jeremy had been slightly scared that with things looking up with Michael, he’d begin to lose Christine, but to his relief, they’ve only grown closer. 

Christine sighs, content. “I’m happy things are starting to work out.” 

Jeremy smiles. “Me too.” 

**4 weeks later**

Jeremy’s been having fewer panic attacks since starting therapy, but that doesn’t mean they’re gone altogether. And it’s still the weirdest things that set him off. Take today, for example, all it had taken was hearing a few beats of an Eminem song and he’s currently hiding beneath the steps of the school. The cold bites at his skin, serving only as a minor distraction from the electricity buzzing beneath his skin. 

“Jeremy?” 

Jeremy shies away from his name and the small amount of light that shines through his hiding place is blocked by Brooke. She looks worried, but instead of freaking out like Jeremy would’ve expected her to, she kneels by him and says, “Is this a panic attack? My sister has them sometimes. Nod if that’s a yes.” 

Jeremy gives one shallow nod and a new firm resolve enters Brooke’s eyes. “Okay then, just focus on me, Jeremy. I’m gonna count to 10 and I want you to breathe in time with each number, okay? One…”

Slowly but surely, Brooke guides Jeremy down from his panic attack. 

“Wow Brooke, thanks,” Jeremy says when he’s got enough air to speak properly again. 

“That’s okay.” Brooke snuggles beside him, lifting his arm so that she can fit beneath it. Now that he’s not using the temperature as a distraction, it’s actually really, really cold down here. “I’ve never had one myself, but like I said, my sister’s had a few. She’s super smart but it can get overwhelming for her.”

“Oh.” Brooke’s hand ends up slipping into his free one but instead of it being romantic, it’s just like it is with Christine. Comfortable.

“Is it your first one?” Brooke asks. 

Jeremy shakes his head. “No, I’ve had a few now. Ever since...since the drugs.” 

Brooke twists to look up at him, her blue eyes bright. “You know, you don’t have to hide. At least, not from me. I’m always happy to help you, Jer-bear.” 

The nickname makes Jeremy smile. “Thanks, Brooke.” 

“No problem. In fact, you can make it up to me by getting some hot chocolate with me. I’m freezing!” 

Brooke drags Jeremy up with her and together, they head over to the closest coffee shop. She has him laughing the whole way there and throughout it all, Jeremy thinks about how lucky he really is. 

**5 weeks later**

Both Christine and Michael are with Jeremy when he gets his diagnosis. With the dreams lessening and the Squip’s voice dimmed to the occasional whisper, he has a feeling he already knows the result but even so, hearing it aloud is like a sucker punch to the stomach. 

It’s epilepsy. 

Christine hugs him tight and Michael tries to soften the blow by telling him he’ll never have to worry about being the designated driver. It still aches but with the two of them by his side, Jeremy has hope it’ll all be okay.

**6 weeks later**

Considering their track record with parties, Jenna organises a sleepover. This time, it really is just the eight of them invited, all of them camped out in Jenna’s sunroom. It’s still probably one of the largest sleepovers he’s been to, including the ones he went to in elementary school. Jenna’s even stocked booze, but after last time, Jeremy’s sticking to soda. However, his resolve gets tested when Chloe suggests playing never have I ever. 

It starts out innocent enough until Brooke, one of the drunkest, giggles and says, “Never have I ever burnt down my friend’s house.” 

It’s testament to how drunk Rich is too that he only laughs loudly in response and takes a large sip of his beer. He’s so enthusiastic, he nearly misses the straw altogether. 

“My turn!” Jenna announces. Her expression turns sly. “Never have I ever flashed someone.” Her face falls when no one takes a drink. “Boobs or butt,” she tries to clarify, but still no one drinks. 

“Never have I ever kissed a dude,” Jake grins, that grin widening when literally everyone else takes a drink. 

“If, if you ever wanna kiss a dude, I will do that for you,” Rich says, leaning over to Jake. Jake laughs and pats him on the shoulder. 

“Thanks, man. If I ever feel the urge, you’ll be the first to know.” 

“So like, what is up with you guys,” Chloe says brashly, looking at the other half of the circle where Jeremy, Rich, Michael and Christine sit. She ignores both Brooke and Jenna slapping her arms and trying to shush her. “I’m just asking! I’ve been quiet for over a month. You do not understand how hard that’s been for me. Like, I get that you two aren’t dating or whatever,” she says, looking at Jeremy and Christine, “but it’s like everyone has forgotten Jeremy kissed Michael at the party. When he was dating Rich. So...what’s going on?!...I’m just curious, is all.”

“Me and Michael aren’t dating,” Rich answers smoothly and Jeremy’s heart skips a beat. 

This is the first he’s officially hearing of this. 

“So, does that mean you and Jeremy are together?” Chloe asks Michael, leaning forward excitedly. 

“Uh, no.” Michael scratches the back of his head, face turning red. 

“Maybe we should play a different game,” Christine suggests before Chloe can continue her attack. “I’ve never played truth or dare before.” 

“What!” Jenna cries dramatically, playing alone. “That is a literal crime. That’s it. Christine, truth or dare.” 

Chloe looks a little put-out, but she quickly gets invested in the new game. Jeremy stays quiet. Michael’s still red, and every time Jeremy glances at him, he gets a little redder.

**7 weeks later**

They don’t talk about it. As much as they have been more open with each other, more willing to say when they need space or when they’re scared or anxious or whatever, they still don’t talk about everything. The fact that Rich and Michael are not officially dating is top of the list. 

They still hang out together, like normal, but sometimes, when it’s just the two of them, Jeremy will catch himself staring, imagining. 

When they go to the movie, Jeremy imagines doing the cringy cliche thing or lifting his arm and wrapping it around Michael’s shoulders. When Michael gets a little too caught up in his street fighter victory, Jeremy considers kissing him to get him to shut up. When they have their first sleepover, Jeremy thinks about what it would be like if Michael shared his bed. 

He never says any of this aloud, and he likes to think he’s not being obvious about it. He’s trying to give Michael the space he needs, show him that Jeremy can respect that and be his friend no matter what. But sometimes...sometimes Michael will be staring back, and Jeremy doesn’t know what to think. 

**8 weeks later**

Jake invites the rest of the boys to hang out at his, and by the time Michael and Rich say they’re busy, Jeremy has already agreed to go. And so, because he can’t exactly say he’s worried it’ll be super awkward and they’ll have nothing to talk about, Jeremy goes to Jake’s alone. 

It _is_ kinda weird but also, it’s okay that it’s kinda weird. Jake is literally the most chilled out person Jeremy has ever met. He doesn’t even get the faintest bit bashful when Jeremy stumbles across a sketchbook filled with ridiculously good portraits.

They’re in the middle of playing Mario Kart, Jeremy fully relaxed, when Jake says, “So, you _do_ like Michael, don’t you?” 

“Uh, ye-I mean, what?” 

Jake remains focused on the game as he replies, “You kissed him at the party, he and Rich aren’t dating, but nothing’s going on between you two.” 

“It’s, um, complicated,” Jeremy mutters, sighing when Luigi drives off the stage.

“You like him. It looks like he likes you. What’s so complicated?” Jake asks, genuinely curious.

“We just...we’ve been best friends for years and things have been a bit weird between us,” Jeremy admits. “I don’t wanna risk losing that.” 

“Huh, makes sense. But you know, if you ever want some advice, I’m here for you, man.” 

The same blossom of warmth that had appeared when Jake offered advice about Christine returns and Jeremy smiles. “Thanks, Jake.” 

“No problem, man.” Jake holds out his fist and Jeremy awkwardly bumps it back.

**9 weeks later**

After the sleepover, Jeremy really should have expected to get accosted by Chloe. 

“We, like, never hang out together!” She exclaims, looping her arm through Jeremy’s so he can’t escape to their lunch table. Instead, she drags Jeremy outside where the weather is unusually mild. “And you’re so quiet when we hang out at lunch. I wanna know what’s going on with you. Like, have a real conversation, you know?”

“Uh, there’s nothing much to say…”

Chloe doesn’t bother to keep pretending. “What’s going on with you and Michael? Right now it’s like Romeo and Juliet or something.” 

“Is it?” Jeremy struggles to see the similarities. 

“Well, I dunno, I never actually listened when we read it in class, but still, it’s like a tragic romance, right? And whatever is going on with you and Michael is _definitely_ that. You two should just make out. It’s how me and Jake got back together.” 

Jeremy finds himself repeating that same thing to Chloe as he did with Jake, “It’s complicated. We’re best friends. I don’t wanna mess that up.” 

“But, isn’t your boyfriend, girlfriend or whatever _meant_ to be your best friend? I mean, Brooke is my best friend but Jake is my best boy friend...ugh, you know what I mean.”

“I guess, but I said I’d give Michael space.”

Chloe stops and taps her chin. “Ooooh, okay. I see.” 

She doesn’t elaborate, barely even says goodbye, and then she’s gone. 

Jeremy wonders what’s just happened. 

**10 weeks later**

He’s lying in Michael’s basement, high as fuck. 

“Oh man, it’s been toooooooo long since we did this,” Michael sighs, staring up at the ceiling. They’re side by side, and Jeremy, for the first time in a long time, is feeling 100% relaxed and happy. He can’t keep the too wide smile off his face. 

“I missed this,” Jeremy says, enjoying the spots of colour that appear every time he shuts his eyes really hard. “I missed us.” 

Normally, he’d feel embarrassed admitting that, but weed and therapy sure are a winning combo. 

“Me too.” Suddenly, he’s holding Jeremy’s hand and Jeremy wonders if he’s smoked a little too much because this...this is new. He barely grabs back because he’s scared if he does, it might confirm this really is just a hallucination. 

“I don’t want to get back together with Rich,” Michael says, still not looking at him, still holding his hand. Jeremy fights the urge to roll on top of him, to demand if he’s saying what Jeremy thinks he’s saying. 

“Do you mean…” Jeremy coughs, his mouth drier than the Sahara. 

“I’m still scared but...I like this.” And then, before Jeremy’s brain can afford to question or analyse further, Michael lets go of his hand and sits up. “I need pizza.” 

They get pizza. 

They don’t talk about it again. 

**11 weeks later**

First, Jeremy asks his dad for advice. His dad smiles at him, proud. 

“Well son, remember what I said about Christine. Don’t try too hard, think about what he likes, and don’t put too much pressure on the situation.”

Next, Jeremy tells Christine. 

“Oh, Jeremy, that’s so exciting! I’m sure it’ll go okay. I’ll be rooting for you!” 

Thirdly, Jeremy takes Jake up on his offer for advice. 

“Always have a condom.”

Lastly, Jeremy speaks to Rich. 

“That’s fine with me, Jeremy, you don’t even need to ask. Good luck.”

And then, it’s time to officially plan. It takes him a few days to sort everything out and before he knows it, everything’s delivered and it’s 15 minutes until Michael arrives for their sleepover. Jeremy frets and fusses with everything, trying to keep his hands busy, and ends up so caught up in his own head, he misses the sound of the doorbell. 

“Wassup Jeremy!” Michael greets, barging into Jeremy’s room and making him jump. “Wo-ho, we’re really having a party toni-oh holy mother of Mary Jesus Joseph whatever, is that Orbitz? Jeremy. Is. That. Orbitz.” 

Jeremy looks down at the bottle in his hand. His heart thumps loudly in his chest as he glances up at Michael and says, “Yep.” 

Michael makes a noise between a scream and a pterodactyl mating cry and Jeremy laughs. Seeing Michael’s reaction is definitely worth the late nights trawling through the shady soda black market websites. 

Michael’s bag falls to the floor and he rushes over, taking the proffered bottle as if it were a baby. “I thought stock had officially run out for this stuff everywhere. Jeremy, how’d you find this?” 

“I might have sold my firstborn,” Jeremy says, grinning and Michael gazes adoringly at the bottle. 

“Did you get it for me?” 

Still smiling, Jeremy feels heat rise to his cheeks. “Well, who else has an obsession with retro sodas. I got one for each of us.” 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Michael carefully places the bottle on the desk before dive tackling Jeremy into a bear hug. He’s hit with so much force, he ends up falling back on the bed, Michael’s body heavy on top of his. Jeremy’s body jolts, not just from the impact and he resists the urge to wrap his arms around Michael and keep him there. 

“Uh, oops?” Michael offers and when he lifts his head, Jeremy sees that Michael’s face is also flushed. 

“I also got that DLC for Savage Moon,” Jeremy says a little breathlessly, needing to say something. Michael’s still on top of him and it’s getting hard to think. 

“Jeremy...what is this?” Michael asks. His eyes keep darting downwards and Jeremy unconsciously licks his lips. 

“It’s...whatever you want it to be,” Jeremy answers honestly. 

“You bought me some crazy obscure soda, got that DLC we’ve been going on about for ages, and don’t think I don’t see that sushi. This is more than just hanging out, isn’t it.” 

Jeremy shifts slightly, and the short, sudden increase in contact makes him feel like his skin is fire and ice combining into one raging hurricane of sensory overload. He really hopes Michael is okay with his answer, otherwise this is going to get super awkward, super quickly. 

“Only...only if you want. What you said at your house...we can just have it be hanging out, if that’s what you want.” 

Jeremy’s not going to lie, he thought they’d be having this discussion later in the evening, after they’d had their fill of sushi, soda and video games. But with the way Michael’s eyes are dilating and his body is getting more comfortable on top of Jeremy’s, he finds that he really, really doesn’t mind. 

“I...no. I’ve gotta say, if this is you wooing me, please, keep wooing,” Michael says, his smile only slightly unsure, and Jeremy mirrors it. 

“Well, I would, but it’s a little hard now, with you, you know…”

Michael’s eyes widen before he burst into laughter. His head falls into the crook of Jeremy’s neck. “I never realised this before. _All the dick jokes._ ”

Jeremy laughs too, but he also feels even more heat surging to his cheeks, because now that Michael mentions it...

“I don’t put out on the first date,” Jeremy says when he and Michael have finished laughing. Michael sits up, leaving Jeremy enough room to scoot back against the headboard. 

“And what about a kiss?” Michael asks, the faint tremor to his words betraying his nervousness. Jeremy feels his own reappear. He’d expected...he’s not sure. More convincing? More talking? 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind waiting more if that’s what you need-”

“No,” Michael interrupts. “I’ve been thinking about this...a lot. And if you hadn’t have done this, I would. Or, I would’ve done something. I mean, I was going to last week. I thought about it. But I figured it’d be better if we weren’t high off our asses. But I...I’m ready Jeremy. I trust you. I trust us.”

“Really?” Okay, crying was _not_ on the agenda for tonight but it looks like it’s happening anyway. 

“Oh shit, uh, I’m sorry?” Michael starts to panic at the tears and Jeremy laughs wetly. 

“Don’t be sorry. These, these are happy tears. I guess I was so scared I’d messed everything up for good and hearing you say that...I…” Happy tears or not, it’s starting to look a bit gross now so Jeremy ducks his head, trying to hide. 

Michael lifts him back up. “I’m probably always gonna be slightly scared,” he admits. “Not because the Squip, or whatever, but I now know the good stuff can outweigh that. We’re best friends anyway. This...this is just going to make it different. Better.”

“Chloe spoke to you, didn’t she?” Jeremy says, suddenly realising what Chloe’s abrupt departure meant. As much as he’s not a fan of everyone being so invested in his relationships, he’s still going to thank her the next time he sees her.

“Yeah, but I had been thinking about it before. She just gave me more of a push. She’s pretty scary. And intense.”

“She is,” Jeremy agrees. “And Michael...I’m scared too. But these past few months...I know it isn’t a phase. I get it took me ages to realise it but now that I do, I know you’re it for me, Michael. There’s no one else like you. No one with your smile, your laugh, your loyalty...I’m only here thanks to you. So, what I’m trying to say is...you’re my favourite person.” 

Now Michael’s crying too. Jeremy really hopes that this isn’t going to happen every time they decide to share their feelings. 

“What about Christine?”

“You’re just lucky I’ve known you longer.” Jeremy teases. “Plus, I don’t want to kiss, Christine. I’ve tried.”

Michael snickers through his tears. “You’re my favourite person too. So...can I kiss you now?”

Jeremy nods and then Michael’s leaning over him, his lips on Jeremy’s, and with the two of them sober, with their bodies relaxed, Jeremy’s pretty sure this is what heaven feels like. Neither of them have a ton of experience, so more than once their teeth clash or their noses collide, but this is the sort of practice Jeremy is looking forward to. When they eventually part, after stealing multiple, small kisses, Jeremy’s pretty sure his face matches Michael’s. Eyelids lowered, cheeks hot, lips red. 

“Woah,” Michael utters, leaning back on his shins. “Now _that_ is a first kiss.”

Jeremy’s blissed out vibes dim at the reminder. “I’m so-”

“Nu-uh,” Michael says, pressing his finger against Jeremy’s swollen lips. “Not looking for an apology. But I just want you to know that I’m going to enjoy telling our grandkids about how you managed to win the award for world’s worst timed first kiss.” 

Jeremy’s heart skips a beat. “And then I’ll tell them about how you spoke about them on our first date.”

Michael’s eyes widen slightly and his blush deepens. “Deal. Now, I’m just going to drink that soda. Uh, now.” 

Jeremy grins to himself and follows Michael to the sodas. Questionable though their origins might be, this isn’t a Romeo and Juliet situation and they do not, in fact, die or even suffer mild poisoning from drinking them.

All they do is make their kisses that much sweeter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoooo boy, this chapter was so hard to write. But, I am so glad it's done. This story started as a little 2/3 chapter thing and exploded into this. There were some points I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish it. But it was thank to all those kudos and all of you who left such kind comments that I did, so thank you, and I really hope this was a satisfying ending. 
> 
> If you did like this story overall, please consider leaving a kudos or comment. Until next time :)

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, consider leaving a kudos or comment! They're great for motivation :)
> 
> If you would like updates, I might start posting them and also snippets to my musical dedicated tumblr side-blog 'ivegotthedreams'


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